NAGLA

I was in the break room where I work and noticed the over abundance of caffeine free coffee and tea. It made me start to think about the kind of person that would drink such things. I continued to fix my three bag glass of tea, when a co-worker ambles up next to me to start fixing themselves a cup of hot caffeine free tea. I said, “Wow! Caffeine free at 8:30 in the morning? I was just thinking to myself, ‘Who drinks caffeine free tea?’ and now I know.”. He looks at me and smiles and says, “Yeah. I love the taste of tea but can’t handle the ‘jitters’ that it gives me this early in the morning. Look at you. That a lot of caffeine. You know that’s a diuretic don’t you?” His eyebrows slightly raised expecting that will elicit a response from me.

It’s these kind of comedic gems that I wait for everyday. The kind like when a boss says, “That’s gay! And I know Gay!”. Or set ups like, “When I eat Key Lime pie it goes straight to my hips.” That being said by a 325lb. straight guy who’s so fat, it looks like he has a Christmas Wreath around his neck.

Back to the caffeine.

I look at my caffeine sensitive co-worker and say, “Not only do I know it, I depending on it. I went to a convention this weekend and could use all the help I can get.”
Now I’ve thrown the bait. There’s no way “Bob” can resist the temptation. Three whole seconds go by. He asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?”

I’ve got him. He doesn’t even know it either. I’m probably going to be gentle though; I do like the guy as he is a pretty good co-worker. I would never ask a follow up like that though if someone left me feeling the conversation was ended open-ended. I’m too paranoid that it may be a set- up. What if I’m into Bondage films, (I’m not), or maybe I’m a military community organizer for P.A.P.T.A., the “Please Ask, Please Tell Association” (I’m not) or N.A.G.L.A. the North American Goat Lover Association, (I’m not anymore) . Either way I’m really cautious because I don’t know a lot of the people I work with well, and I don’t know what they are into. The 55 year old engineer from Tennessee in the office next to mine may really be into piercings or wife swapping. It’s always smarter to be more careful than careless. I’m just glad that a few I work with aren’t. It provides me with way to much enjoyment just watching some of the awkward moments they help me create.

Back to the diuretic.

“Bob” asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?” Here’s my response.

“I took the wife and kids to an Instant Potato and Cheese Curd convention. I’m more plugged up than Monika Lewinsky at a Cigar bar. “ I raise the Styrofoam cup and finish by saying, “But this here oughta clean me out like a greased Chitlin. Have a good one.”

I could have gone anywhere with it if I had wanted to. I could have said, “Well my wife was plunging our toilet thinking that maybe the four year had thrown something down it. The phone rang and she left the plunger in the toilet thinking she would only be away for a moment. I’d been eating bran muffins all morning, covered in Olive oil (the muffins, not me) and wouldn’t you know it? I had to go so bad that I didn’t think I was going to make it. I ran, literally, to the bathroom and with special agent like precision in one motion, pulled my pants down while beginning to squat. I didn’t see the plunger in the toilet and I “sat” right down on it. It effectively pushed back up, what I needed to get rid of. That was yesterday and I’ve still not gone. I feel like a tick on a dawg. Know what I mean? Have a good day.”
; )