I did not write this. My mother in law said she thought of me when reading it (and laughing hysterically). I don't know who wrote it but it's one of the most entertaining stories I've read in a while.
Enjoy ;)
THE LAWNMOWER AND THE ELECTRIC FENCE
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the> fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time Is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day..... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might imagine.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (no logical explanation for this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Cucking Stool
Today I found out what a cucking stool was. It is not, as first thought, a profane phrase used by a simpleton who has trouble with consonants. The term Cucking Stool is known to have been in use from about 1215. It means literally "defecation chair", as its name is derived from the old verb cukken which means "to defecate" (compare with the Dutch "kakken" which means “chair in living room with hole in seat that has a pile of poop under it”).
So what is a Cucking stool you ask? They were chairs formerly used for punishment. They were both instruments of social humiliation/censure, primarily for the offence of scolding or back biting, and less often for sexual offences like having an illegitimate child or prostitution. They were technical devices which formed part of the wider method of law enforcement through social humiliation in the Dark ages.
Something else that made me giggle today, ok, maybe not giggle. Maybe a better way to put it would be something that made me feel like blood was shooting out of my ears was news from the state of Massachusetts. Tomorrow, August 1st would have been the start of the annual sales tax Holiday. Unlike Texas who does this for a weekend or two, Massachusetts usually extends this sales tax holiday for the entire month of August. The Gov. in the state of Massachusetts has decided to cancel the tax holiday, but wait there’s more. Not only has he decided to cancel the holiday, he is raising the sales tax by 25%!
The reason this made me “Cukken” is, the same Gov. promised in his election campaign to lower the property taxes to give relief to the property owners. He didn’t do that either. He also signed into law a brand new 6.25 sales tax on all alcohol products, which will of course be imposed on the full price of the alcohol, which already includes a state excise tax. Also tomorrow a new tax on Satellite Subscribers kicks in. There was also a recent fee increases at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - at the same time you’re shutting down, how many, 11 Registry offices, including the one in New Bedford, which no one ever uses, right, ?
The Governor dithering all through the budget process, going back and forth on raising the tolls, and the gas taxes, and every other thing, enabling the unspeakably corrupt Legislature to move into the vacuum of his non leadership to sock it to the people of Massachusetts with this 25 percent increase in the sales tax. The Governor also imposed higher meals taxes, but why do they have to wait to jack up the cost of a cheeseburger until Oct. 1? No idea. You’ll likely see this creeping across America until the people stand up and say that they have had enough.
I leave you with this quote, “ If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
--Rush Limbaugh
So what is a Cucking stool you ask? They were chairs formerly used for punishment. They were both instruments of social humiliation/censure, primarily for the offence of scolding or back biting, and less often for sexual offences like having an illegitimate child or prostitution. They were technical devices which formed part of the wider method of law enforcement through social humiliation in the Dark ages.
Something else that made me giggle today, ok, maybe not giggle. Maybe a better way to put it would be something that made me feel like blood was shooting out of my ears was news from the state of Massachusetts. Tomorrow, August 1st would have been the start of the annual sales tax Holiday. Unlike Texas who does this for a weekend or two, Massachusetts usually extends this sales tax holiday for the entire month of August. The Gov. in the state of Massachusetts has decided to cancel the tax holiday, but wait there’s more. Not only has he decided to cancel the holiday, he is raising the sales tax by 25%!
The reason this made me “Cukken” is, the same Gov. promised in his election campaign to lower the property taxes to give relief to the property owners. He didn’t do that either. He also signed into law a brand new 6.25 sales tax on all alcohol products, which will of course be imposed on the full price of the alcohol, which already includes a state excise tax. Also tomorrow a new tax on Satellite Subscribers kicks in. There was also a recent fee increases at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - at the same time you’re shutting down, how many, 11 Registry offices, including the one in New Bedford, which no one ever uses, right, ?
The Governor dithering all through the budget process, going back and forth on raising the tolls, and the gas taxes, and every other thing, enabling the unspeakably corrupt Legislature to move into the vacuum of his non leadership to sock it to the people of Massachusetts with this 25 percent increase in the sales tax. The Governor also imposed higher meals taxes, but why do they have to wait to jack up the cost of a cheeseburger until Oct. 1? No idea. You’ll likely see this creeping across America until the people stand up and say that they have had enough.
I leave you with this quote, “ If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
--Rush Limbaugh
Friday, July 3, 2009
Some stuff I learned today, On the 3rd of July
I wanted to jot down a few things for those of you who are interested, of a few things that I learned today. They are simple things. They are things that are funny and sad. They are of no political affiliation. Are you ready? Good. Then let's get started.
1. Alovert can give a man sensitive breasts, while it's helping you Pee Pee less frequently.
2. The Federal Reserve is a private corporation. Who knew? Seems they won't let this Congress see their books though, even though they are helping with valuation of our currency.
3. In the new Cap and Trade bill, on page 45, All of California's housing standards will be applied to every home in America.
4. Michael Jackson is dead.
5. On page 92 of the Cap and Trade bill, it requires Public buildings to have a place for Electric vehicles to plug into.
6. The oil used by Jeweler to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3000 a gallon!
7. The company Sony was originally called 'Totsuken'. Not kidding look it up. I have not idea why they would change from such a wonderful name.
8. On page 112 of the Cap and Trade bill, additional credit (that's right. I said Additional Credit) for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac housing goals for energy and location efficient mortgages.
9. In the Cap and Trade bill just passed by the House of Representatives there is a provision to establish 'Green Banking Centers' although no one knows as yet what these are.
10. Only 51% of South Carolina High School students will graduate, the lowest of any state. (Kinda explains that whole Gov. Sanford thing, doesn't it?)
11. The Cap and Trade Bill will also require that every vehicle sold in America be able to operate on alternative fuel. That way we can pay farmers to grow corn we won't eat, to run in gas tanks of cars that the U.S. Government built. (The taxpayers kinda own General Motors now).
12. Annually, the amount of garbage that is dumped in the world's oceans is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
13. In Kentucky, it's illegal to fish in the Ohio River, in Kentucky, without an Indiana Fishing License. What?! For real. Look it up.
14. Under the new Cap and Trade Bill before you can sell your house you will be required to have a federal Agency come in and inspect it to make sure it is energy efficient enough. If it is not energy efficient enough, you will be required to put the money into the house (to make it more energy efficient) before you will be allowed to sell it. (Do you smell something? Kinda smells like....socialism a little. Socialism and feet.)
15. There is a giant mushroom in Oregon that is over 2400 years old, and covers 3.4 square miles of land, and is still growing.
16. In 21 US states, WalMart is the single largest employer. The biggest employer in the US, you ask? The US Government, with 1.9 million employees!
17. No one who voted for the Cap and Trade bill, read it. Seriously. 300+ pages were added to the bill on the morning the Representatives voted.
18. The most common time for a bank robbery is Friday between 9 and 11 a.m. The least likely time is Wednesday, between 3 and 6 p.m.
19. U.S. Rep Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts, wants to give California some of the TARP money that was paid back from the banks. The Californian Government is $24 Billion in debt and has started to issue IOU's to creditors.
19a. Here's some extras about California for no charge.
a) California has a gross state product (GSP) of 1.8 Trillion.
b) Population is first in the country @ 37 million.
c) A substantial portion of the state income comes from income taxes on a small proportion of wealthy citizens. For example, in 2004, the richest 3% of state taxpayers paid approximately 60% of all state taxes. The economic turndown has affected the 3% in an incredibly negative way. The "Governator" (genius that he is)has proposed to cut programs....and....wait for it.......RAISE TAXES!!!
d) Computers and electronic products are California's top export, accounting for 36 percent of all the state's exports in 2007.
e) In terms of jobs the five largest sectors in California are #1, Government, #2 Trade, Transportation and Utilities, #3, Professional and business services, #4, Education and health services (California ranked 46th in education in the country), and #5, Leisure and Hospitality.
f) State spending in 2008 was $131 Billion. Taxes taken were $101 Billion. $40 Billion in State income taxes, $28 Billion in Sales Tax, and $33 Billion in property Tax. Too much spending. So what does the Governor do? Raise Taxes! Crazy.
18. Farrah Fawcett did not die from Rectal Cancer, she died from Anal Cancer.
19. Thomas Jefferson said, "A little Revolution now and again is a good thing."
20. Whale oil was used in Car transmissions as late as 1974.
21. According to the Wall Street Journal, who had an independent firm do the study, the Cap and Trade Bill would cost the economy $161 billion in 2020, which is $1,870 for a family of four. As the bill's restrictions kick in, that number rises to $6,800 for a family of four by 2035.
22. Republicans offered three amendments: one to suspend the program if gas hit $5 a gallon; one to suspend the program if electricity prices rose 10% over 2009; and one to suspend the program if unemployment rates hit 15%. Democrats defeated all of them.
23. Britain's Taxpayer Alliance estimates the average family there is paying nearly $1,300 a year in green taxes for carbon-cutting programs in effect only a few years.
24. The bill going to the Senate is called H.R. 2454: American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009. This is the largest tax in our country's history levied against the American people.
25. These are the Representatives from Texas that voted for the bill
Texas
Aye TX-9 Green, Al [D]
Aye TX-15 Hinojosa, Rubén [D]
Aye TX-16 Reyes, Silvestre [D]
Aye TX-18 Jackson-Lee, Sheila [D]
Aye TX-20 Gonzalez, Charles [D]
Aye TX-25 Doggett, Lloyd [D]
Aye TX-28 Cuellar, Henry [D]
Aye TX-29 Green, Raymond [D]
Aye TX-30 Johnson, Eddie [D]
26. These are the Representatives from Tennessee that voted for the bill
Tennessee
Aye TN-5 Cooper, Jim [D]
Aye TN-6 Gordon, Barton [D]
Aye TN-9 Cohen, Steve [D]
27. Could a fair tax be the solution? www.fairtax.org
28. Call your US Senators and tell them to Vote No on the American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009.
29. Please copy the link below to find out how the Cap and Trade Bill made me feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiUrh_aR64
;)
1. Alovert can give a man sensitive breasts, while it's helping you Pee Pee less frequently.
2. The Federal Reserve is a private corporation. Who knew? Seems they won't let this Congress see their books though, even though they are helping with valuation of our currency.
3. In the new Cap and Trade bill, on page 45, All of California's housing standards will be applied to every home in America.
4. Michael Jackson is dead.
5. On page 92 of the Cap and Trade bill, it requires Public buildings to have a place for Electric vehicles to plug into.
6. The oil used by Jeweler to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3000 a gallon!
7. The company Sony was originally called 'Totsuken'. Not kidding look it up. I have not idea why they would change from such a wonderful name.
8. On page 112 of the Cap and Trade bill, additional credit (that's right. I said Additional Credit) for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac housing goals for energy and location efficient mortgages.
9. In the Cap and Trade bill just passed by the House of Representatives there is a provision to establish 'Green Banking Centers' although no one knows as yet what these are.
10. Only 51% of South Carolina High School students will graduate, the lowest of any state. (Kinda explains that whole Gov. Sanford thing, doesn't it?)
11. The Cap and Trade Bill will also require that every vehicle sold in America be able to operate on alternative fuel. That way we can pay farmers to grow corn we won't eat, to run in gas tanks of cars that the U.S. Government built. (The taxpayers kinda own General Motors now).
12. Annually, the amount of garbage that is dumped in the world's oceans is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
13. In Kentucky, it's illegal to fish in the Ohio River, in Kentucky, without an Indiana Fishing License. What?! For real. Look it up.
14. Under the new Cap and Trade Bill before you can sell your house you will be required to have a federal Agency come in and inspect it to make sure it is energy efficient enough. If it is not energy efficient enough, you will be required to put the money into the house (to make it more energy efficient) before you will be allowed to sell it. (Do you smell something? Kinda smells like....socialism a little. Socialism and feet.)
15. There is a giant mushroom in Oregon that is over 2400 years old, and covers 3.4 square miles of land, and is still growing.
16. In 21 US states, WalMart is the single largest employer. The biggest employer in the US, you ask? The US Government, with 1.9 million employees!
17. No one who voted for the Cap and Trade bill, read it. Seriously. 300+ pages were added to the bill on the morning the Representatives voted.
18. The most common time for a bank robbery is Friday between 9 and 11 a.m. The least likely time is Wednesday, between 3 and 6 p.m.
19. U.S. Rep Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts, wants to give California some of the TARP money that was paid back from the banks. The Californian Government is $24 Billion in debt and has started to issue IOU's to creditors.
19a. Here's some extras about California for no charge.
a) California has a gross state product (GSP) of 1.8 Trillion.
b) Population is first in the country @ 37 million.
c) A substantial portion of the state income comes from income taxes on a small proportion of wealthy citizens. For example, in 2004, the richest 3% of state taxpayers paid approximately 60% of all state taxes. The economic turndown has affected the 3% in an incredibly negative way. The "Governator" (genius that he is)has proposed to cut programs....and....wait for it.......RAISE TAXES!!!
d) Computers and electronic products are California's top export, accounting for 36 percent of all the state's exports in 2007.
e) In terms of jobs the five largest sectors in California are #1, Government, #2 Trade, Transportation and Utilities, #3, Professional and business services, #4, Education and health services (California ranked 46th in education in the country), and #5, Leisure and Hospitality.
f) State spending in 2008 was $131 Billion. Taxes taken were $101 Billion. $40 Billion in State income taxes, $28 Billion in Sales Tax, and $33 Billion in property Tax. Too much spending. So what does the Governor do? Raise Taxes! Crazy.
18. Farrah Fawcett did not die from Rectal Cancer, she died from Anal Cancer.
19. Thomas Jefferson said, "A little Revolution now and again is a good thing."
20. Whale oil was used in Car transmissions as late as 1974.
21. According to the Wall Street Journal, who had an independent firm do the study, the Cap and Trade Bill would cost the economy $161 billion in 2020, which is $1,870 for a family of four. As the bill's restrictions kick in, that number rises to $6,800 for a family of four by 2035.
22. Republicans offered three amendments: one to suspend the program if gas hit $5 a gallon; one to suspend the program if electricity prices rose 10% over 2009; and one to suspend the program if unemployment rates hit 15%. Democrats defeated all of them.
23. Britain's Taxpayer Alliance estimates the average family there is paying nearly $1,300 a year in green taxes for carbon-cutting programs in effect only a few years.
24. The bill going to the Senate is called H.R. 2454: American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009. This is the largest tax in our country's history levied against the American people.
25. These are the Representatives from Texas that voted for the bill
Texas
Aye TX-9 Green, Al [D]
Aye TX-15 Hinojosa, Rubén [D]
Aye TX-16 Reyes, Silvestre [D]
Aye TX-18 Jackson-Lee, Sheila [D]
Aye TX-20 Gonzalez, Charles [D]
Aye TX-25 Doggett, Lloyd [D]
Aye TX-28 Cuellar, Henry [D]
Aye TX-29 Green, Raymond [D]
Aye TX-30 Johnson, Eddie [D]
26. These are the Representatives from Tennessee that voted for the bill
Tennessee
Aye TN-5 Cooper, Jim [D]
Aye TN-6 Gordon, Barton [D]
Aye TN-9 Cohen, Steve [D]
27. Could a fair tax be the solution? www.fairtax.org
28. Call your US Senators and tell them to Vote No on the American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009.
29. Please copy the link below to find out how the Cap and Trade Bill made me feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiUrh_aR64
;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
