I'm stuck in the Louis Armstrong Airport. That's not in Heaven by the way, it's in New Orleans. My flight has been delayed again like if they knew I wanted to go home and rest. I'm in overall good spirits though. I saw a really skinny looking guy that looked like "The Rock" (Dwayne Johnson)after chemo, and I saw a black lady that looked like the rapper "Peppa" after a two year long fried Ice Cream bender. Her butt looks like two potbelly pigs wrestling under a blanket labeled "Juicy". Now there's some truth in advertising. Both of those made me smile.
Only two of us at this gate waiting on a flight. Me and some lawyer guy. He's watching that blond lady on Headline News channel whos really Southern and talks way too loud and asks really obvious questions like, "Sarah? Do you think Tiger Woods wife is shocked n junk bout all them floosies coming out of the closet saying that Tiger didn't wash his golf balls?" Ok. I'm watching that fat cow a lttle bit too. well I was. Now that left wing communist whore is on. No, not that one. Joy Bay Whore. I just pray that somehow, someway, I'm able to hate her just a little more.
She just said "Alleged Waitress". Either you are or you are not, right? I think that walking sack of diseased protates meant "alleged Mistress".
Anyway.
Now there's another guy at the gate. I've decided he's Filopino. I know it's not really up to me to decide, but he does look Filopeno-ish. I normally wouldn't give a person by person update but 1. I'm bored and 2. He sat down and started staring at me. At first, when I'd look up, feeling that someone was glaring a hole onto my manbreasts, and then after I caught him the last few times he smiled at me like I knew the punchline. I smiled back politely. He smiled bigger. Maybe he thinks I'm that gay U.S. Senator. I'm not, for the record.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Why is it that America (Land of the Free and Home of the Brave) is hell bent on rebuilding Iraq when we still haven’t rebuilt New Orleans? Why are we are so dedicated if not obsessed with removing hostiles from Afghanistan when we still haven’t removed hostiles from South Philly, Oakland, South Central L.A. or the 5th Ward in Houston? How is it that the new health care bill is over 2000 pages and our Declaration of Independence is only one?
Why is it ok for a man on television to say, “I have High blood pressure; and that has caused my erectile dysfunction. Thanks to Levitra, I can have wood that’s harder than Mahogany.” You don’t hear about woman’s problems the same.
“I hate Harold. But now thanks to Mornindewya I can get my groove on like Stella. I’m wetter than a cow peeing on a flat rock!” she whispers.
Been a while since I’ve last written, and I wanted to catch up just a bit. Since my last blog I’ve been in Nevada, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota, and South Dakota. I’ve read three books and have written little other than emails. I finished the twilight series, (I heart them!) and am now reading a book entitled, “Lies my Teacher Told Me”. My wife suggested this “feel good book”, in which it details how European white trash killed all the brown people on the planet. I was sitting next to a black guy on the way to South Dakota, and nearly apologized in tears about Christopher Columbus. Turns out he was not the Trend setting explorer I thought he was. He was a genocidal pedophile. It is interesting reading, but about as up lifting as a doctor telling you have six months to live. Turns out the Irish are responsible for putting crack in the poorer neighborhoods in America, and I may have had an indirect hand at starting this latest swine flu pandemic.
It’s amazing how much Camo is on this flight. Kinda looks like a Nicaraguan Freedom Fighter Team Building event. I would be concerned if I weren’t flying to San Antonio. If I were flying to Honduras or Kuwait, I’d be a little more nervous I think. There is a hunter in line for a ticket that has a Fannie pack on with antlers hanging out of it. I can’t bring cologne on board but Bubba can bring on the sharpened horns of an animal as a carryon?! How does he not have to put those in checked luggage with his deer urine and Scent blocker shampoo?!
I took the kids (3 girls) to Carlos De Queso’s this last weekend. Chuck E. Cheese for you honkies. Anyway, all three did pretty well on accruing tickets, so at the end of the night I sent the three girls to go cash in so we could go. They came back to the table with a bunch of junk that would have ordinarily been a 3rd or 4th place prize if 2nd or 3rd place were getting an enema with a high powered sling shot. Everybody was happy but my 15 year had a puzzled look on her face. Once we got outside I asked, “Hey is anything wrong? You’ve got a constipated look on your face.” She rolled her eyes and said, “No. I’m not constipated, but I am confused.” I said, “About what?” Then what followed in a diatribe littered with “Like” and strewn with “and, Um” was my daughter telling me that this girl thought that it would be kewl if she told my daughters that she was gay and that she has a fiancé in California. Now, while I am all for gay marriage, I’m pretty sure I’m against having the Chuck E. Cheese toy attendant, who’s a minor by the way, tell my little girls about her sexual preference while she’s handing them toy insects and Sponge Bob Stickers!
Maybe I’m really old and a dinosaur, but why is it now en vogue to have relations with your own sex? More importantly, why is it en vogue to tell everyone you are having gay relations? I’m a dinosaur because I understand the physics of “Innies and Outies”? I wanted to go tell the little attendant that I have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife and then just sit back and watch her gag. (I would definitely take this the wrong way.) I’m a fuddy-duddy for being straight? Nope. I’m a fuddy-duddy for using the term fuddy-duddy. Have a great week.
Why is it ok for a man on television to say, “I have High blood pressure; and that has caused my erectile dysfunction. Thanks to Levitra, I can have wood that’s harder than Mahogany.” You don’t hear about woman’s problems the same.
“I hate Harold. But now thanks to Mornindewya I can get my groove on like Stella. I’m wetter than a cow peeing on a flat rock!” she whispers.
Been a while since I’ve last written, and I wanted to catch up just a bit. Since my last blog I’ve been in Nevada, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota, and South Dakota. I’ve read three books and have written little other than emails. I finished the twilight series, (I heart them!) and am now reading a book entitled, “Lies my Teacher Told Me”. My wife suggested this “feel good book”, in which it details how European white trash killed all the brown people on the planet. I was sitting next to a black guy on the way to South Dakota, and nearly apologized in tears about Christopher Columbus. Turns out he was not the Trend setting explorer I thought he was. He was a genocidal pedophile. It is interesting reading, but about as up lifting as a doctor telling you have six months to live. Turns out the Irish are responsible for putting crack in the poorer neighborhoods in America, and I may have had an indirect hand at starting this latest swine flu pandemic.
It’s amazing how much Camo is on this flight. Kinda looks like a Nicaraguan Freedom Fighter Team Building event. I would be concerned if I weren’t flying to San Antonio. If I were flying to Honduras or Kuwait, I’d be a little more nervous I think. There is a hunter in line for a ticket that has a Fannie pack on with antlers hanging out of it. I can’t bring cologne on board but Bubba can bring on the sharpened horns of an animal as a carryon?! How does he not have to put those in checked luggage with his deer urine and Scent blocker shampoo?!
I took the kids (3 girls) to Carlos De Queso’s this last weekend. Chuck E. Cheese for you honkies. Anyway, all three did pretty well on accruing tickets, so at the end of the night I sent the three girls to go cash in so we could go. They came back to the table with a bunch of junk that would have ordinarily been a 3rd or 4th place prize if 2nd or 3rd place were getting an enema with a high powered sling shot. Everybody was happy but my 15 year had a puzzled look on her face. Once we got outside I asked, “Hey is anything wrong? You’ve got a constipated look on your face.” She rolled her eyes and said, “No. I’m not constipated, but I am confused.” I said, “About what?” Then what followed in a diatribe littered with “Like” and strewn with “and, Um” was my daughter telling me that this girl thought that it would be kewl if she told my daughters that she was gay and that she has a fiancé in California. Now, while I am all for gay marriage, I’m pretty sure I’m against having the Chuck E. Cheese toy attendant, who’s a minor by the way, tell my little girls about her sexual preference while she’s handing them toy insects and Sponge Bob Stickers!
Maybe I’m really old and a dinosaur, but why is it now en vogue to have relations with your own sex? More importantly, why is it en vogue to tell everyone you are having gay relations? I’m a dinosaur because I understand the physics of “Innies and Outies”? I wanted to go tell the little attendant that I have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife and then just sit back and watch her gag. (I would definitely take this the wrong way.) I’m a fuddy-duddy for being straight? Nope. I’m a fuddy-duddy for using the term fuddy-duddy. Have a great week.
Friday, July 31, 2009
THE LAWNMOWER
I did not write this. My mother in law said she thought of me when reading it (and laughing hysterically). I don't know who wrote it but it's one of the most entertaining stories I've read in a while.
Enjoy ;)
THE LAWNMOWER AND THE ELECTRIC FENCE
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the> fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time Is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day..... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might imagine.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (no logical explanation for this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Enjoy ;)
THE LAWNMOWER AND THE ELECTRIC FENCE
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the> fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time Is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day..... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might imagine.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (no logical explanation for this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Cucking Stool
Today I found out what a cucking stool was. It is not, as first thought, a profane phrase used by a simpleton who has trouble with consonants. The term Cucking Stool is known to have been in use from about 1215. It means literally "defecation chair", as its name is derived from the old verb cukken which means "to defecate" (compare with the Dutch "kakken" which means “chair in living room with hole in seat that has a pile of poop under it”).
So what is a Cucking stool you ask? They were chairs formerly used for punishment. They were both instruments of social humiliation/censure, primarily for the offence of scolding or back biting, and less often for sexual offences like having an illegitimate child or prostitution. They were technical devices which formed part of the wider method of law enforcement through social humiliation in the Dark ages.
Something else that made me giggle today, ok, maybe not giggle. Maybe a better way to put it would be something that made me feel like blood was shooting out of my ears was news from the state of Massachusetts. Tomorrow, August 1st would have been the start of the annual sales tax Holiday. Unlike Texas who does this for a weekend or two, Massachusetts usually extends this sales tax holiday for the entire month of August. The Gov. in the state of Massachusetts has decided to cancel the tax holiday, but wait there’s more. Not only has he decided to cancel the holiday, he is raising the sales tax by 25%!
The reason this made me “Cukken” is, the same Gov. promised in his election campaign to lower the property taxes to give relief to the property owners. He didn’t do that either. He also signed into law a brand new 6.25 sales tax on all alcohol products, which will of course be imposed on the full price of the alcohol, which already includes a state excise tax. Also tomorrow a new tax on Satellite Subscribers kicks in. There was also a recent fee increases at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - at the same time you’re shutting down, how many, 11 Registry offices, including the one in New Bedford, which no one ever uses, right, ?
The Governor dithering all through the budget process, going back and forth on raising the tolls, and the gas taxes, and every other thing, enabling the unspeakably corrupt Legislature to move into the vacuum of his non leadership to sock it to the people of Massachusetts with this 25 percent increase in the sales tax. The Governor also imposed higher meals taxes, but why do they have to wait to jack up the cost of a cheeseburger until Oct. 1? No idea. You’ll likely see this creeping across America until the people stand up and say that they have had enough.
I leave you with this quote, “ If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
--Rush Limbaugh
So what is a Cucking stool you ask? They were chairs formerly used for punishment. They were both instruments of social humiliation/censure, primarily for the offence of scolding or back biting, and less often for sexual offences like having an illegitimate child or prostitution. They were technical devices which formed part of the wider method of law enforcement through social humiliation in the Dark ages.
Something else that made me giggle today, ok, maybe not giggle. Maybe a better way to put it would be something that made me feel like blood was shooting out of my ears was news from the state of Massachusetts. Tomorrow, August 1st would have been the start of the annual sales tax Holiday. Unlike Texas who does this for a weekend or two, Massachusetts usually extends this sales tax holiday for the entire month of August. The Gov. in the state of Massachusetts has decided to cancel the tax holiday, but wait there’s more. Not only has he decided to cancel the holiday, he is raising the sales tax by 25%!
The reason this made me “Cukken” is, the same Gov. promised in his election campaign to lower the property taxes to give relief to the property owners. He didn’t do that either. He also signed into law a brand new 6.25 sales tax on all alcohol products, which will of course be imposed on the full price of the alcohol, which already includes a state excise tax. Also tomorrow a new tax on Satellite Subscribers kicks in. There was also a recent fee increases at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - at the same time you’re shutting down, how many, 11 Registry offices, including the one in New Bedford, which no one ever uses, right, ?
The Governor dithering all through the budget process, going back and forth on raising the tolls, and the gas taxes, and every other thing, enabling the unspeakably corrupt Legislature to move into the vacuum of his non leadership to sock it to the people of Massachusetts with this 25 percent increase in the sales tax. The Governor also imposed higher meals taxes, but why do they have to wait to jack up the cost of a cheeseburger until Oct. 1? No idea. You’ll likely see this creeping across America until the people stand up and say that they have had enough.
I leave you with this quote, “ If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
--Rush Limbaugh
Friday, July 3, 2009
Some stuff I learned today, On the 3rd of July
I wanted to jot down a few things for those of you who are interested, of a few things that I learned today. They are simple things. They are things that are funny and sad. They are of no political affiliation. Are you ready? Good. Then let's get started.
1. Alovert can give a man sensitive breasts, while it's helping you Pee Pee less frequently.
2. The Federal Reserve is a private corporation. Who knew? Seems they won't let this Congress see their books though, even though they are helping with valuation of our currency.
3. In the new Cap and Trade bill, on page 45, All of California's housing standards will be applied to every home in America.
4. Michael Jackson is dead.
5. On page 92 of the Cap and Trade bill, it requires Public buildings to have a place for Electric vehicles to plug into.
6. The oil used by Jeweler to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3000 a gallon!
7. The company Sony was originally called 'Totsuken'. Not kidding look it up. I have not idea why they would change from such a wonderful name.
8. On page 112 of the Cap and Trade bill, additional credit (that's right. I said Additional Credit) for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac housing goals for energy and location efficient mortgages.
9. In the Cap and Trade bill just passed by the House of Representatives there is a provision to establish 'Green Banking Centers' although no one knows as yet what these are.
10. Only 51% of South Carolina High School students will graduate, the lowest of any state. (Kinda explains that whole Gov. Sanford thing, doesn't it?)
11. The Cap and Trade Bill will also require that every vehicle sold in America be able to operate on alternative fuel. That way we can pay farmers to grow corn we won't eat, to run in gas tanks of cars that the U.S. Government built. (The taxpayers kinda own General Motors now).
12. Annually, the amount of garbage that is dumped in the world's oceans is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
13. In Kentucky, it's illegal to fish in the Ohio River, in Kentucky, without an Indiana Fishing License. What?! For real. Look it up.
14. Under the new Cap and Trade Bill before you can sell your house you will be required to have a federal Agency come in and inspect it to make sure it is energy efficient enough. If it is not energy efficient enough, you will be required to put the money into the house (to make it more energy efficient) before you will be allowed to sell it. (Do you smell something? Kinda smells like....socialism a little. Socialism and feet.)
15. There is a giant mushroom in Oregon that is over 2400 years old, and covers 3.4 square miles of land, and is still growing.
16. In 21 US states, WalMart is the single largest employer. The biggest employer in the US, you ask? The US Government, with 1.9 million employees!
17. No one who voted for the Cap and Trade bill, read it. Seriously. 300+ pages were added to the bill on the morning the Representatives voted.
18. The most common time for a bank robbery is Friday between 9 and 11 a.m. The least likely time is Wednesday, between 3 and 6 p.m.
19. U.S. Rep Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts, wants to give California some of the TARP money that was paid back from the banks. The Californian Government is $24 Billion in debt and has started to issue IOU's to creditors.
19a. Here's some extras about California for no charge.
a) California has a gross state product (GSP) of 1.8 Trillion.
b) Population is first in the country @ 37 million.
c) A substantial portion of the state income comes from income taxes on a small proportion of wealthy citizens. For example, in 2004, the richest 3% of state taxpayers paid approximately 60% of all state taxes. The economic turndown has affected the 3% in an incredibly negative way. The "Governator" (genius that he is)has proposed to cut programs....and....wait for it.......RAISE TAXES!!!
d) Computers and electronic products are California's top export, accounting for 36 percent of all the state's exports in 2007.
e) In terms of jobs the five largest sectors in California are #1, Government, #2 Trade, Transportation and Utilities, #3, Professional and business services, #4, Education and health services (California ranked 46th in education in the country), and #5, Leisure and Hospitality.
f) State spending in 2008 was $131 Billion. Taxes taken were $101 Billion. $40 Billion in State income taxes, $28 Billion in Sales Tax, and $33 Billion in property Tax. Too much spending. So what does the Governor do? Raise Taxes! Crazy.
18. Farrah Fawcett did not die from Rectal Cancer, she died from Anal Cancer.
19. Thomas Jefferson said, "A little Revolution now and again is a good thing."
20. Whale oil was used in Car transmissions as late as 1974.
21. According to the Wall Street Journal, who had an independent firm do the study, the Cap and Trade Bill would cost the economy $161 billion in 2020, which is $1,870 for a family of four. As the bill's restrictions kick in, that number rises to $6,800 for a family of four by 2035.
22. Republicans offered three amendments: one to suspend the program if gas hit $5 a gallon; one to suspend the program if electricity prices rose 10% over 2009; and one to suspend the program if unemployment rates hit 15%. Democrats defeated all of them.
23. Britain's Taxpayer Alliance estimates the average family there is paying nearly $1,300 a year in green taxes for carbon-cutting programs in effect only a few years.
24. The bill going to the Senate is called H.R. 2454: American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009. This is the largest tax in our country's history levied against the American people.
25. These are the Representatives from Texas that voted for the bill
Texas
Aye TX-9 Green, Al [D]
Aye TX-15 Hinojosa, Rubén [D]
Aye TX-16 Reyes, Silvestre [D]
Aye TX-18 Jackson-Lee, Sheila [D]
Aye TX-20 Gonzalez, Charles [D]
Aye TX-25 Doggett, Lloyd [D]
Aye TX-28 Cuellar, Henry [D]
Aye TX-29 Green, Raymond [D]
Aye TX-30 Johnson, Eddie [D]
26. These are the Representatives from Tennessee that voted for the bill
Tennessee
Aye TN-5 Cooper, Jim [D]
Aye TN-6 Gordon, Barton [D]
Aye TN-9 Cohen, Steve [D]
27. Could a fair tax be the solution? www.fairtax.org
28. Call your US Senators and tell them to Vote No on the American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009.
29. Please copy the link below to find out how the Cap and Trade Bill made me feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiUrh_aR64
;)
1. Alovert can give a man sensitive breasts, while it's helping you Pee Pee less frequently.
2. The Federal Reserve is a private corporation. Who knew? Seems they won't let this Congress see their books though, even though they are helping with valuation of our currency.
3. In the new Cap and Trade bill, on page 45, All of California's housing standards will be applied to every home in America.
4. Michael Jackson is dead.
5. On page 92 of the Cap and Trade bill, it requires Public buildings to have a place for Electric vehicles to plug into.
6. The oil used by Jeweler to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3000 a gallon!
7. The company Sony was originally called 'Totsuken'. Not kidding look it up. I have not idea why they would change from such a wonderful name.
8. On page 112 of the Cap and Trade bill, additional credit (that's right. I said Additional Credit) for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac housing goals for energy and location efficient mortgages.
9. In the Cap and Trade bill just passed by the House of Representatives there is a provision to establish 'Green Banking Centers' although no one knows as yet what these are.
10. Only 51% of South Carolina High School students will graduate, the lowest of any state. (Kinda explains that whole Gov. Sanford thing, doesn't it?)
11. The Cap and Trade Bill will also require that every vehicle sold in America be able to operate on alternative fuel. That way we can pay farmers to grow corn we won't eat, to run in gas tanks of cars that the U.S. Government built. (The taxpayers kinda own General Motors now).
12. Annually, the amount of garbage that is dumped in the world's oceans is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
13. In Kentucky, it's illegal to fish in the Ohio River, in Kentucky, without an Indiana Fishing License. What?! For real. Look it up.
14. Under the new Cap and Trade Bill before you can sell your house you will be required to have a federal Agency come in and inspect it to make sure it is energy efficient enough. If it is not energy efficient enough, you will be required to put the money into the house (to make it more energy efficient) before you will be allowed to sell it. (Do you smell something? Kinda smells like....socialism a little. Socialism and feet.)
15. There is a giant mushroom in Oregon that is over 2400 years old, and covers 3.4 square miles of land, and is still growing.
16. In 21 US states, WalMart is the single largest employer. The biggest employer in the US, you ask? The US Government, with 1.9 million employees!
17. No one who voted for the Cap and Trade bill, read it. Seriously. 300+ pages were added to the bill on the morning the Representatives voted.
18. The most common time for a bank robbery is Friday between 9 and 11 a.m. The least likely time is Wednesday, between 3 and 6 p.m.
19. U.S. Rep Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts, wants to give California some of the TARP money that was paid back from the banks. The Californian Government is $24 Billion in debt and has started to issue IOU's to creditors.
19a. Here's some extras about California for no charge.
a) California has a gross state product (GSP) of 1.8 Trillion.
b) Population is first in the country @ 37 million.
c) A substantial portion of the state income comes from income taxes on a small proportion of wealthy citizens. For example, in 2004, the richest 3% of state taxpayers paid approximately 60% of all state taxes. The economic turndown has affected the 3% in an incredibly negative way. The "Governator" (genius that he is)has proposed to cut programs....and....wait for it.......RAISE TAXES!!!
d) Computers and electronic products are California's top export, accounting for 36 percent of all the state's exports in 2007.
e) In terms of jobs the five largest sectors in California are #1, Government, #2 Trade, Transportation and Utilities, #3, Professional and business services, #4, Education and health services (California ranked 46th in education in the country), and #5, Leisure and Hospitality.
f) State spending in 2008 was $131 Billion. Taxes taken were $101 Billion. $40 Billion in State income taxes, $28 Billion in Sales Tax, and $33 Billion in property Tax. Too much spending. So what does the Governor do? Raise Taxes! Crazy.
18. Farrah Fawcett did not die from Rectal Cancer, she died from Anal Cancer.
19. Thomas Jefferson said, "A little Revolution now and again is a good thing."
20. Whale oil was used in Car transmissions as late as 1974.
21. According to the Wall Street Journal, who had an independent firm do the study, the Cap and Trade Bill would cost the economy $161 billion in 2020, which is $1,870 for a family of four. As the bill's restrictions kick in, that number rises to $6,800 for a family of four by 2035.
22. Republicans offered three amendments: one to suspend the program if gas hit $5 a gallon; one to suspend the program if electricity prices rose 10% over 2009; and one to suspend the program if unemployment rates hit 15%. Democrats defeated all of them.
23. Britain's Taxpayer Alliance estimates the average family there is paying nearly $1,300 a year in green taxes for carbon-cutting programs in effect only a few years.
24. The bill going to the Senate is called H.R. 2454: American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009. This is the largest tax in our country's history levied against the American people.
25. These are the Representatives from Texas that voted for the bill
Texas
Aye TX-9 Green, Al [D]
Aye TX-15 Hinojosa, Rubén [D]
Aye TX-16 Reyes, Silvestre [D]
Aye TX-18 Jackson-Lee, Sheila [D]
Aye TX-20 Gonzalez, Charles [D]
Aye TX-25 Doggett, Lloyd [D]
Aye TX-28 Cuellar, Henry [D]
Aye TX-29 Green, Raymond [D]
Aye TX-30 Johnson, Eddie [D]
26. These are the Representatives from Tennessee that voted for the bill
Tennessee
Aye TN-5 Cooper, Jim [D]
Aye TN-6 Gordon, Barton [D]
Aye TN-9 Cohen, Steve [D]
27. Could a fair tax be the solution? www.fairtax.org
28. Call your US Senators and tell them to Vote No on the American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009.
29. Please copy the link below to find out how the Cap and Trade Bill made me feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiUrh_aR64
;)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
NAGLA
I was in the break room where I work and noticed the over abundance of caffeine free coffee and tea. It made me start to think about the kind of person that would drink such things. I continued to fix my three bag glass of tea, when a co-worker ambles up next to me to start fixing themselves a cup of hot caffeine free tea. I said, “Wow! Caffeine free at 8:30 in the morning? I was just thinking to myself, ‘Who drinks caffeine free tea?’ and now I know.”. He looks at me and smiles and says, “Yeah. I love the taste of tea but can’t handle the ‘jitters’ that it gives me this early in the morning. Look at you. That a lot of caffeine. You know that’s a diuretic don’t you?” His eyebrows slightly raised expecting that will elicit a response from me.
It’s these kind of comedic gems that I wait for everyday. The kind like when a boss says, “That’s gay! And I know Gay!”. Or set ups like, “When I eat Key Lime pie it goes straight to my hips.” That being said by a 325lb. straight guy who’s so fat, it looks like he has a Christmas Wreath around his neck.
Back to the caffeine.
I look at my caffeine sensitive co-worker and say, “Not only do I know it, I depending on it. I went to a convention this weekend and could use all the help I can get.”
Now I’ve thrown the bait. There’s no way “Bob” can resist the temptation. Three whole seconds go by. He asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?”
I’ve got him. He doesn’t even know it either. I’m probably going to be gentle though; I do like the guy as he is a pretty good co-worker. I would never ask a follow up like that though if someone left me feeling the conversation was ended open-ended. I’m too paranoid that it may be a set- up. What if I’m into Bondage films, (I’m not), or maybe I’m a military community organizer for P.A.P.T.A., the “Please Ask, Please Tell Association” (I’m not) or N.A.G.L.A. the North American Goat Lover Association, (I’m not anymore) . Either way I’m really cautious because I don’t know a lot of the people I work with well, and I don’t know what they are into. The 55 year old engineer from Tennessee in the office next to mine may really be into piercings or wife swapping. It’s always smarter to be more careful than careless. I’m just glad that a few I work with aren’t. It provides me with way to much enjoyment just watching some of the awkward moments they help me create.
Back to the diuretic.
“Bob” asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?” Here’s my response.
“I took the wife and kids to an Instant Potato and Cheese Curd convention. I’m more plugged up than Monika Lewinsky at a Cigar bar. “ I raise the Styrofoam cup and finish by saying, “But this here oughta clean me out like a greased Chitlin. Have a good one.”
I could have gone anywhere with it if I had wanted to. I could have said, “Well my wife was plunging our toilet thinking that maybe the four year had thrown something down it. The phone rang and she left the plunger in the toilet thinking she would only be away for a moment. I’d been eating bran muffins all morning, covered in Olive oil (the muffins, not me) and wouldn’t you know it? I had to go so bad that I didn’t think I was going to make it. I ran, literally, to the bathroom and with special agent like precision in one motion, pulled my pants down while beginning to squat. I didn’t see the plunger in the toilet and I “sat” right down on it. It effectively pushed back up, what I needed to get rid of. That was yesterday and I’ve still not gone. I feel like a tick on a dawg. Know what I mean? Have a good day.”
; )
It’s these kind of comedic gems that I wait for everyday. The kind like when a boss says, “That’s gay! And I know Gay!”. Or set ups like, “When I eat Key Lime pie it goes straight to my hips.” That being said by a 325lb. straight guy who’s so fat, it looks like he has a Christmas Wreath around his neck.
Back to the caffeine.
I look at my caffeine sensitive co-worker and say, “Not only do I know it, I depending on it. I went to a convention this weekend and could use all the help I can get.”
Now I’ve thrown the bait. There’s no way “Bob” can resist the temptation. Three whole seconds go by. He asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?”
I’ve got him. He doesn’t even know it either. I’m probably going to be gentle though; I do like the guy as he is a pretty good co-worker. I would never ask a follow up like that though if someone left me feeling the conversation was ended open-ended. I’m too paranoid that it may be a set- up. What if I’m into Bondage films, (I’m not), or maybe I’m a military community organizer for P.A.P.T.A., the “Please Ask, Please Tell Association” (I’m not) or N.A.G.L.A. the North American Goat Lover Association, (I’m not anymore) . Either way I’m really cautious because I don’t know a lot of the people I work with well, and I don’t know what they are into. The 55 year old engineer from Tennessee in the office next to mine may really be into piercings or wife swapping. It’s always smarter to be more careful than careless. I’m just glad that a few I work with aren’t. It provides me with way to much enjoyment just watching some of the awkward moments they help me create.
Back to the diuretic.
“Bob” asks, “Oh really? What kind of convention did you go to?” Here’s my response.
“I took the wife and kids to an Instant Potato and Cheese Curd convention. I’m more plugged up than Monika Lewinsky at a Cigar bar. “ I raise the Styrofoam cup and finish by saying, “But this here oughta clean me out like a greased Chitlin. Have a good one.”
I could have gone anywhere with it if I had wanted to. I could have said, “Well my wife was plunging our toilet thinking that maybe the four year had thrown something down it. The phone rang and she left the plunger in the toilet thinking she would only be away for a moment. I’d been eating bran muffins all morning, covered in Olive oil (the muffins, not me) and wouldn’t you know it? I had to go so bad that I didn’t think I was going to make it. I ran, literally, to the bathroom and with special agent like precision in one motion, pulled my pants down while beginning to squat. I didn’t see the plunger in the toilet and I “sat” right down on it. It effectively pushed back up, what I needed to get rid of. That was yesterday and I’ve still not gone. I feel like a tick on a dawg. Know what I mean? Have a good day.”
; )
Friday, May 29, 2009
You know, it's been a while since I've posted. The reason? On some of my most recent travels, only little things have made me giggle. Nothing has really been a knee slapper. So I got a request from someone who reads the blog, and they asked that I put together a summation of things that have made me giggle since my last post.
So here goes. I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
My Travels took me to the Festering pustule that is Memphis, via Little Rock. First of all I do not understand why there is a direct flight from San Antonio to Little Rock. My only guess would be that Southwest is catering to those “pig farmers on the go”. Can’t you just hear the commercial? “Just arrested on an animal molestation charge? Need to get away? You’re now free to move about the country.”
I was pretty impressed though once I landed in Little Rock. I was expecting to hear chickens and cows in the terminal, but it wasn’t like that at all. It was actually quite modern. The one exception being the Starbucks who gave away their used coffee grounds “fer yer garden and what not”. They even had a book store or two. I’m guessing only for the people coming in to Arkansas, as the practice of reading is frowned upon there.
Once I got outside the airport and got up on the Interstate, I came across one of the National distribution centers for Maybelline. It’s a huge building that has the logo that I’ve seen on my wife’s mascara. Looking at the logo and hearing their jingle in my head made me imagine the commercial they must play in the confines of the state. Maybe it goes some like, “Maybe is Maybelline! Wreeeeeeeck!”(Hog sound)
Something else seen as I was en route to the toilet in the south, Memphis, was the Remington Ammunition building. It was huge; like the size of a mall. To me it once more perpetuates the stereotype in Arkansas. That and roads in Arkansas. They are like paved washboards. I nearly threw a shock in between Luler and CowHole, Arkansas.
Well I said I would keep is short and sweet. I’ll see if anything inspires me to write while I’m in Long Beach. Have a great day. ;-)
So here goes. I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
My Travels took me to the Festering pustule that is Memphis, via Little Rock. First of all I do not understand why there is a direct flight from San Antonio to Little Rock. My only guess would be that Southwest is catering to those “pig farmers on the go”. Can’t you just hear the commercial? “Just arrested on an animal molestation charge? Need to get away? You’re now free to move about the country.”
I was pretty impressed though once I landed in Little Rock. I was expecting to hear chickens and cows in the terminal, but it wasn’t like that at all. It was actually quite modern. The one exception being the Starbucks who gave away their used coffee grounds “fer yer garden and what not”. They even had a book store or two. I’m guessing only for the people coming in to Arkansas, as the practice of reading is frowned upon there.
Once I got outside the airport and got up on the Interstate, I came across one of the National distribution centers for Maybelline. It’s a huge building that has the logo that I’ve seen on my wife’s mascara. Looking at the logo and hearing their jingle in my head made me imagine the commercial they must play in the confines of the state. Maybe it goes some like, “Maybe is Maybelline! Wreeeeeeeck!”(Hog sound)
Something else seen as I was en route to the toilet in the south, Memphis, was the Remington Ammunition building. It was huge; like the size of a mall. To me it once more perpetuates the stereotype in Arkansas. That and roads in Arkansas. They are like paved washboards. I nearly threw a shock in between Luler and CowHole, Arkansas.
Well I said I would keep is short and sweet. I’ll see if anything inspires me to write while I’m in Long Beach. Have a great day. ;-)
Monday, April 20, 2009
Ironic Monday
My wife and I are having a really weird day today.
I slept horribly. She couldn’t go to sleep last night. We both woke up like we had only slept an hour or so. Without any provocation, the Television came on at about 6 a.m. and of course the volume was set at maximum. Around 6:10 or so the neighborhood dogs started going nuts (we believe we know why now). Misti was set to finally go to the gym, and I was finally dressed to go to work. We walked out the front door and the tire on my vehicle was completely flat. Misti sets down her purse and some water she takes with her to the gym; both spilled all over the driveway. Then a dog, (if you can call it that) came up to us in the front yard whimpering. It was a full grown male Rottweiler. It weighed about 125 lbs, without nads thank God, and appeared to have an injury to his front right leg, hence the noise from the other dogs I’m guessing. We put it in the backyard, and start to get the vehicles ready so we can get to work and the gym. (Darian my daughter, looked out the back window and said rather flatly “There’s a Shetland Pony in the back yard.” Like if she always looks in the backyard and sees a different animal every Monday morning.
We get everything situated and off to work I go. Misti decides to forego the gym for the moment and call the owners of the Rottweiler. They have their phone number on the dog tag which you would think would make it convenient. She gets a hold of the owners/neighbors, her name is Maria, and they say they are out of town until one p.m. This just keeps getting better! Misti decides to feed the Baby Eater some left over brisket to avert his attention from our 3 year old daughter until his owners get back into town. His name is Bruno by the way. Maria calls back a little later to check on Bruno because she is really worried about him. Apparently they have an evil neighbor (Not me.) who already has poisoned them (the dogs, not Maria) once and she wanted to see if he was still okay. Their girl dog is at their house, but lethargic....stay tuned.
Misti goes upstairs to find that our oldest daughter left her bathroom exhaust fan all night. What would have probably only been a mention at the breakfast table like, “hey can you make sure the fan is off in your bathroom before you go to bed? You know there are Haitians out there that don’t have fans in their bathrooms. They have to sit in the smell of their own funk until it dissipates.” Turned into something like, “Hey Ms. Gates! You need to learn to turn off that fan! I’m getting real tired of telling you turn it off, but I realize you probably can’t hear me because the damn fan is on!”
I get on the road and get cut off by a fat woman in a Mercedes that she’s gotten “Courtesy of Boerne Mercedes Benz”. Hmmm I wonder why that might be. She’s putting Mascara on while talking on her Blackberry. She’s also in the left lane going about 15 miles an hour slower than the posted speed, which means that everybody and their dog (pun intended) is getting in front of her. So what normally is a 20 to 25 minute trip turns into 45.
Misti emailed me once I got to work and notified me that, “Ally (our Three year old handful) found a packaged tampon in the bathroom . She unwrapped it and ate it.”
Our day is eerily turning into that Alanis Morrisette song “Ironic”.
;-)
I slept horribly. She couldn’t go to sleep last night. We both woke up like we had only slept an hour or so. Without any provocation, the Television came on at about 6 a.m. and of course the volume was set at maximum. Around 6:10 or so the neighborhood dogs started going nuts (we believe we know why now). Misti was set to finally go to the gym, and I was finally dressed to go to work. We walked out the front door and the tire on my vehicle was completely flat. Misti sets down her purse and some water she takes with her to the gym; both spilled all over the driveway. Then a dog, (if you can call it that) came up to us in the front yard whimpering. It was a full grown male Rottweiler. It weighed about 125 lbs, without nads thank God, and appeared to have an injury to his front right leg, hence the noise from the other dogs I’m guessing. We put it in the backyard, and start to get the vehicles ready so we can get to work and the gym. (Darian my daughter, looked out the back window and said rather flatly “There’s a Shetland Pony in the back yard.” Like if she always looks in the backyard and sees a different animal every Monday morning.
We get everything situated and off to work I go. Misti decides to forego the gym for the moment and call the owners of the Rottweiler. They have their phone number on the dog tag which you would think would make it convenient. She gets a hold of the owners/neighbors, her name is Maria, and they say they are out of town until one p.m. This just keeps getting better! Misti decides to feed the Baby Eater some left over brisket to avert his attention from our 3 year old daughter until his owners get back into town. His name is Bruno by the way. Maria calls back a little later to check on Bruno because she is really worried about him. Apparently they have an evil neighbor (Not me.) who already has poisoned them (the dogs, not Maria) once and she wanted to see if he was still okay. Their girl dog is at their house, but lethargic....stay tuned.
Misti goes upstairs to find that our oldest daughter left her bathroom exhaust fan all night. What would have probably only been a mention at the breakfast table like, “hey can you make sure the fan is off in your bathroom before you go to bed? You know there are Haitians out there that don’t have fans in their bathrooms. They have to sit in the smell of their own funk until it dissipates.” Turned into something like, “Hey Ms. Gates! You need to learn to turn off that fan! I’m getting real tired of telling you turn it off, but I realize you probably can’t hear me because the damn fan is on!”
I get on the road and get cut off by a fat woman in a Mercedes that she’s gotten “Courtesy of Boerne Mercedes Benz”. Hmmm I wonder why that might be. She’s putting Mascara on while talking on her Blackberry. She’s also in the left lane going about 15 miles an hour slower than the posted speed, which means that everybody and their dog (pun intended) is getting in front of her. So what normally is a 20 to 25 minute trip turns into 45.
Misti emailed me once I got to work and notified me that, “Ally (our Three year old handful) found a packaged tampon in the bathroom . She unwrapped it and ate it.”
Our day is eerily turning into that Alanis Morrisette song “Ironic”.
;-)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Before I get started, I saw this on a Yahoo headline and it made me giggle,
“Clinton Taps Former White House Advisor To serve as US Special Envoy for Climate.”
Maybe I need a break, just not in an airport. I’ve been delayed yet again. I’m in the Houston Hobby airport. It’s amazing seeing all of these people. Each a little aggravated, because their flight was delayed. Some have found a little solace with their mates, while others have chosen to “drown their disappointment” with beer or coffee. I have chosen both. This has left me very aware that I’m buzzed and that I need to pee. Sitting in this section of the airport with me is a really nice bald guy reading a “Guns and Ammo” magazine, a very cute newly married couple, and a very ugly couple. I’m sure you don’t want to hear why the bald guy is really nice or why I know that the young couple is newly married. You want to know why the one couple is ugly, right? They’re just ugly. No mystery. He married better than what he should have and now he’s ignoring her. That’s what I’ve picked up in the last three or four minutes anyway.
I was supposed to leave at 7:25 and my flight was delayed until 10:25.
I’ve been a bit of a voyeur watching the newly married couple. They seem so content watching their movie on his Dell Laptop. They’re using her Apple headphones to hear the sound of the movie; one bud in his left ear and one bud in her right ear. He’s got his arm around her and every once in a while he’ll squeeze her like he’s just remembered how much he loves her. She’s freezing so she’s got his leather jacket covering her almost completely like a quilt. He just kissed her forehead. They seem to not care that their flight is delayed. Almost like this is where they hang out on Thursdays.
I keep seeing an older guy walking back and forth in front of the really comfortable seats we’re all sitting in. He keeps looking to see if there is a vacancy. There isn’t. He’s wearing a fluorescent Lime green shirt and khakis. He’s also wearing Black Crocs with White Socks which immediately makes me hate him.
(Kendall Kyle just got paged over the intercom and a lady with a radio voice stated that this was the final boarding call and that Kendall should get his or her behind back to Gate 23.)
On a more serious note, Dan Seals died this week. Very sad. He died of Lymphoma at the age of 61. The Texan from Pleasant Grove had many hits including, “Meet me In Montana” with Marie Osmond, “Bop”, “God Must be a Cowboy”, and my personal favorite that still brings tears to my eyes, “Everything that Glitters is not Gold”. Very sad to see such a wonderful lyricist pass on. His lifelong publicist and friend Tony Gottlieb said, "If you want to honor Dan, you should oppose bigotry, intolerance and prejudice."
Lastly, I just found out that Shane McConkey, a professional Extreme skier, was killed while doing a jump off a cliff with a parachute. His sponsor Red Bull, whose slogan is, “Red Bull gives you wings!”, stated that while they “are sad about Shane’s passing, Red Bull does not in fact give you wings”. Sadly funny. ;-)
“Clinton Taps Former White House Advisor To serve as US Special Envoy for Climate.”
Maybe I need a break, just not in an airport. I’ve been delayed yet again. I’m in the Houston Hobby airport. It’s amazing seeing all of these people. Each a little aggravated, because their flight was delayed. Some have found a little solace with their mates, while others have chosen to “drown their disappointment” with beer or coffee. I have chosen both. This has left me very aware that I’m buzzed and that I need to pee. Sitting in this section of the airport with me is a really nice bald guy reading a “Guns and Ammo” magazine, a very cute newly married couple, and a very ugly couple. I’m sure you don’t want to hear why the bald guy is really nice or why I know that the young couple is newly married. You want to know why the one couple is ugly, right? They’re just ugly. No mystery. He married better than what he should have and now he’s ignoring her. That’s what I’ve picked up in the last three or four minutes anyway.
I was supposed to leave at 7:25 and my flight was delayed until 10:25.
I’ve been a bit of a voyeur watching the newly married couple. They seem so content watching their movie on his Dell Laptop. They’re using her Apple headphones to hear the sound of the movie; one bud in his left ear and one bud in her right ear. He’s got his arm around her and every once in a while he’ll squeeze her like he’s just remembered how much he loves her. She’s freezing so she’s got his leather jacket covering her almost completely like a quilt. He just kissed her forehead. They seem to not care that their flight is delayed. Almost like this is where they hang out on Thursdays.
I keep seeing an older guy walking back and forth in front of the really comfortable seats we’re all sitting in. He keeps looking to see if there is a vacancy. There isn’t. He’s wearing a fluorescent Lime green shirt and khakis. He’s also wearing Black Crocs with White Socks which immediately makes me hate him.
(Kendall Kyle just got paged over the intercom and a lady with a radio voice stated that this was the final boarding call and that Kendall should get his or her behind back to Gate 23.)
On a more serious note, Dan Seals died this week. Very sad. He died of Lymphoma at the age of 61. The Texan from Pleasant Grove had many hits including, “Meet me In Montana” with Marie Osmond, “Bop”, “God Must be a Cowboy”, and my personal favorite that still brings tears to my eyes, “Everything that Glitters is not Gold”. Very sad to see such a wonderful lyricist pass on. His lifelong publicist and friend Tony Gottlieb said, "If you want to honor Dan, you should oppose bigotry, intolerance and prejudice."
Lastly, I just found out that Shane McConkey, a professional Extreme skier, was killed while doing a jump off a cliff with a parachute. His sponsor Red Bull, whose slogan is, “Red Bull gives you wings!”, stated that while they “are sad about Shane’s passing, Red Bull does not in fact give you wings”. Sadly funny. ;-)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Story from Columbia.
Wanna hear a story? I just heard it and found it interesting. It’s about the two kids of Pablo Ximenez, a graduate from Columbia University. He has two children with him at Gate 3 and their names are Juliana, and Juan Carlos. They are sweet little blond haired blue eyed kids doing their homework at the children’s table behind the ticket counter. They are on their way to Minnesota. How did I find all of this out you ask?
Well, Pablo needed to go to the bathroom, so he looked over to the most harmless looking person sitting in the terminal named Mary, and asked her if she could watch his kids for just a few minutes. As he was walking away he said that they should be no trouble as they are doing their homework anyway.
Once he left, Mary asked what kind of homework they were doing. Juliana said she was doing math Shapes and Juan Carlos the younger one said he was doing spelling. Then Mary asked if either of the children needed help, and Juliana said, “no. I’m almost through.” And then in a Child like FYI she said, “We’re going to Minnesota for a funeral.” The area I’m sitting at has about 9 women of various ages and one or two men including myself. There was an immediate “Awwww. I’m sorry.” Juliana then said sadly holding back tears, “My grandpa died.” Another “Awwww. I’m sorry.” Follows. Then Juan Carlos says, “he’s in heaven now.” Then, almost in unison, each of the women, and me too a little bit, say, “yes he is.”
Then they went back to their school work. I then watched the women in the area, and at least one man, start to dry their eyes collectively. When the dad came back, many of the people at that gate gave their condolences. Pablo was taken aback by the kindness, and was maybe to a lesser degree uncomfortable with the attention. He said thank you and they were off to their gate.
To say the very least, it amazing to see the little microcosms of life in an airport. I don’t know if it “Takes a Village”, but it is nice to see random acts of kindness in complete strangers.
Have a great day.
Well, Pablo needed to go to the bathroom, so he looked over to the most harmless looking person sitting in the terminal named Mary, and asked her if she could watch his kids for just a few minutes. As he was walking away he said that they should be no trouble as they are doing their homework anyway.
Once he left, Mary asked what kind of homework they were doing. Juliana said she was doing math Shapes and Juan Carlos the younger one said he was doing spelling. Then Mary asked if either of the children needed help, and Juliana said, “no. I’m almost through.” And then in a Child like FYI she said, “We’re going to Minnesota for a funeral.” The area I’m sitting at has about 9 women of various ages and one or two men including myself. There was an immediate “Awwww. I’m sorry.” Juliana then said sadly holding back tears, “My grandpa died.” Another “Awwww. I’m sorry.” Follows. Then Juan Carlos says, “he’s in heaven now.” Then, almost in unison, each of the women, and me too a little bit, say, “yes he is.”
Then they went back to their school work. I then watched the women in the area, and at least one man, start to dry their eyes collectively. When the dad came back, many of the people at that gate gave their condolences. Pablo was taken aback by the kindness, and was maybe to a lesser degree uncomfortable with the attention. He said thank you and they were off to their gate.
To say the very least, it amazing to see the little microcosms of life in an airport. I don’t know if it “Takes a Village”, but it is nice to see random acts of kindness in complete strangers.
Have a great day.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
HulKolin
I’m in a good mood today, although I probably shouldn’t be. Over the holidays I ate with reckless abandon so now my clothes fit like Saran Wrap. I’m afraid if I sneeze, I’m going to come out of my clothes like an Albino version of the Incredible Hulk. I looked at the Treadmill this morning and said, “I wonder if John Doe is on Face Book.”, and did that instead. My little 14 year old teenager told me last night that her stomach is a little sore because she just did 75 sit ups. She does 75 every day. I told her that I feel like one of those fat older women that I dislike that say every 5 minutes, “If I just look at Cheesecake, the weight goes straight to my hips.” I know looking at Cheesecake didn’t cause my pants to fit like Spandex. It’s eating like I’m trying to find some sort of life saving antidote in whatever I’m eating. Like I have to get my fat reserves up or I’m not going to be able to feed my cubs or make it through the long winter. Here’s some Alanis Morrisette Irony for you:
- My wife is so enthusiastic right now about getting in shape.
- I get emails once or twice a day from a company sponsored marathon training group. (They have a better chance of seeing my Lord and Savior run in a Marathon!)
- I went home a little early to pick up my daughter from high school. I asked what she wanted to eat. She said “Something with Hamburger.” That I can do. I wanted to do the healthiest thing, since she’s an athlete, so I took some lean ground chuck, covered it with gourmet grill seasoning, and grilled it over mesquite coals. So far so good. I should’ve quit while I was ahead. I brought the beautifully browned 12 oz. patties back in the house to everyone’s “ooos and ahhhs!”. I stuck them in Tortillas that were grilled with a pat of butter. Kinda like a meat pastry. I cut one of the Tortillas in half and stuck it in between each 6 oz half moon, slathered, (yes I said slathered) mayonnaise and served it up to the family. The family (wife was out doing shopping) said it was better than the Burgers they ate at Bigz, a local burger joint that is rather famous for their burgers.
- It’s hard being good when I’m so good at being bad. (Good title for my next Country song)
- I have a 50 million dollar gym in the basement of the building I work in.
- I topped off my Tortilla burger last night with Low Carb ice cream, one of the greatest contradictions of terms.
- My boss, whose not from this country, (He’s from a country that rhymes with “Bindia”) the other day said, “Colin, did you know vee have a gym downstairs? Hah hah hah! It’s Wery Wery Nice.” in a “Bindian” accent. I replied very loudly, (in my mind) “Really? Do you pass it on the way to your Speech Pathology class?” Outwardly I said, “Yes sir. I just haven’t had any time to get down there as yet.” He said, “Oh you should. It is wery vorthvile. Plus, you get to shower with your co-vorkers.” I made the last one up. I may still be a little bitter about having my “Veight” brought up at “Vork”.
;-)
Monday, February 2, 2009
IL Sprito Burpo
Have you ever eaten anything Italian, and then burp? That's what the inside of my glass smelled like on my Diet Sprite a while ago. Gross right? Since I finished the "La Sprito Burpo" my hands have swelled up, and I'm a little irritable. No music sounds good. I can't read from my favorite author. And there's only one annoying person on the plane and she's asleep. (When we were lining up to board, the steward said "Everyone line up in numerical order. A's first then B's."He said it with a lisp, but I understood it. The annoying lady said, "jesus, I thought you said B's so I got in line." The incredibly patient steward said, "yeth ma'am. But you're number fifty-theven." The annoying older skank said, "jesus! Why didn't you just announce it that way!?" She's asleep now across the aisle. I tried to hold her nose to kill her but she just started sputtering. When she looked at me suspiciously, I pointed at the gay flight attendant, and she mumbled something about how she knew it and how she should've flown the less gay airline Continental©.)
I have sitting next to me a Captain or something. His last name is Saurers or something like that. He's drinking the SouthWest Airline Cola. I bet it doesn't smell like an Italian jock strap. Anyway, it always makes me feel a little safer when you fly with other pilots on the plane. It's kinda like a false security. Like the "flying pilot" won't actually crash the plane, because one of his fellow pilots is on board. Or he'll make sure he touches down perfectly because he doesn't want to be made fun of in the Pilot locker room. I wonder if they actually haze each other. Do you think Dan the Pilot ever tells Pete the pilot that he just looked over his passenger list and Brad Pitt and some guy named Osama bin Ladle are on his plane. Do you think they ever put woopie cushions in the pilot chair? They sure seem straight laced. Like their idea of a good joke would be a yellow tie. Or another would be one pilot turning to his co-pilot and saying, "I just announced that it was mostly cloudy in San Francisco, but it really partly cloudy!" Then him and Preston share a really loud "belly Laugh". They all have the same haircut. They all wear the same silver colored watch. Most of them look the same age. Very few are chubby or fat. Most of whom I bet have horror stories that would make my skin crawl. "Bob, one time I took of the runway, and the landing gear stayed there. We emergency landed in a Serta perfect sleeper factory. Thank God!" or "One time, we had a bunch of strippers on board, and when we pressured up the cabin, their chests exploded. It was awful."
I'm about to land I think. People are making "mad dashes" to the tiny tiny water closets. I swear one guy wearing an AT&T shirt is literally holding himself like a three year old. The really cute blond perky flight attendant just told him, "sir , we can't form a line to the potty. You either need to sit and wait until that little red lite over the potty turns green, or wait in the back. Ok then? Thank you." But in a Southern, almost chocolatey sweetness. I almost wanted to wait back there with him and I don't even need to go to the "Potty". That nasty skank lady is awake. She's putting on lip liner. I've never seen that put on ... I've heard of it. I thought only Hispanic "Chola" gang members used it, but now I know I'm wrong. 50 something skanks on their way to Vegas wear it too. She's looking around the cabin to see if anyone saw her put on. I've tried this before (not the lip liner)but I don't remember it working, but here goes. "Hey you nasty, rude Danielle Steele reading, skank! Can you hear me? You sicken me. You really do." Nope. She didn't hear me. She just looked over at me though, like she heard what I was writing. I'm smiling at her. She does one of those quick, but" I really don't mean it" smiles. Like some people give drive thru people. "Would you like your receipt?" You do that fake "I really don't mean it" smile; "Yes please." She's back to reading her Steele book. I think it's entitled "Pulsing Member" or something like that. I should probably quit picking on her. She's probably reading a romance novel because she hadn't had any since she ran off Herbert, her husband of 31 years. I'm sure he left on the 31st anniversary of their wedding day, because he just couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway I said I would quit picking. I'm about to land in Vegas. I'll see if I can pick this back up after we take back off to Oakland. Until then.
I'm back. I just had to write this down. Right after I turned off my laptop, and right before we landed, a funny thought occurred to me so I listened to it. I turned to the pilot that was sitting next to me and said, "I just wrote about you." But with a sheepish grin, like a mental patient. He smiled and looked at me like I just told him I had naked pictures of him, and said so patiently even though he did hear me, "I'm sorry what did you say?" I said, "I just wrote a blog about pilots." Now he's looking at me like I have naked pictures of one of his distant relatives that he's always had questions about and I've somehow just confirmed one of his long suspicions. "Oh." He said, still a little uncomfortable. I explained the blog to him and he laughed. Nervously.
Have a great day!
I have sitting next to me a Captain or something. His last name is Saurers or something like that. He's drinking the SouthWest Airline Cola. I bet it doesn't smell like an Italian jock strap. Anyway, it always makes me feel a little safer when you fly with other pilots on the plane. It's kinda like a false security. Like the "flying pilot" won't actually crash the plane, because one of his fellow pilots is on board. Or he'll make sure he touches down perfectly because he doesn't want to be made fun of in the Pilot locker room. I wonder if they actually haze each other. Do you think Dan the Pilot ever tells Pete the pilot that he just looked over his passenger list and Brad Pitt and some guy named Osama bin Ladle are on his plane. Do you think they ever put woopie cushions in the pilot chair? They sure seem straight laced. Like their idea of a good joke would be a yellow tie. Or another would be one pilot turning to his co-pilot and saying, "I just announced that it was mostly cloudy in San Francisco, but it really partly cloudy!" Then him and Preston share a really loud "belly Laugh". They all have the same haircut. They all wear the same silver colored watch. Most of them look the same age. Very few are chubby or fat. Most of whom I bet have horror stories that would make my skin crawl. "Bob, one time I took of the runway, and the landing gear stayed there. We emergency landed in a Serta perfect sleeper factory. Thank God!" or "One time, we had a bunch of strippers on board, and when we pressured up the cabin, their chests exploded. It was awful."
I'm about to land I think. People are making "mad dashes" to the tiny tiny water closets. I swear one guy wearing an AT&T shirt is literally holding himself like a three year old. The really cute blond perky flight attendant just told him, "sir , we can't form a line to the potty. You either need to sit and wait until that little red lite over the potty turns green, or wait in the back. Ok then? Thank you." But in a Southern, almost chocolatey sweetness. I almost wanted to wait back there with him and I don't even need to go to the "Potty". That nasty skank lady is awake. She's putting on lip liner. I've never seen that put on ... I've heard of it. I thought only Hispanic "Chola" gang members used it, but now I know I'm wrong. 50 something skanks on their way to Vegas wear it too. She's looking around the cabin to see if anyone saw her put on. I've tried this before (not the lip liner)but I don't remember it working, but here goes. "Hey you nasty, rude Danielle Steele reading, skank! Can you hear me? You sicken me. You really do." Nope. She didn't hear me. She just looked over at me though, like she heard what I was writing. I'm smiling at her. She does one of those quick, but" I really don't mean it" smiles. Like some people give drive thru people. "Would you like your receipt?" You do that fake "I really don't mean it" smile; "Yes please." She's back to reading her Steele book. I think it's entitled "Pulsing Member" or something like that. I should probably quit picking on her. She's probably reading a romance novel because she hadn't had any since she ran off Herbert, her husband of 31 years. I'm sure he left on the 31st anniversary of their wedding day, because he just couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway I said I would quit picking. I'm about to land in Vegas. I'll see if I can pick this back up after we take back off to Oakland. Until then.
I'm back. I just had to write this down. Right after I turned off my laptop, and right before we landed, a funny thought occurred to me so I listened to it. I turned to the pilot that was sitting next to me and said, "I just wrote about you." But with a sheepish grin, like a mental patient. He smiled and looked at me like I just told him I had naked pictures of him, and said so patiently even though he did hear me, "I'm sorry what did you say?" I said, "I just wrote a blog about pilots." Now he's looking at me like I have naked pictures of one of his distant relatives that he's always had questions about and I've somehow just confirmed one of his long suspicions. "Oh." He said, still a little uncomfortable. I explained the blog to him and he laughed. Nervously.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Time to make the Donuts
You remember that commercial right? The one with the Middle Aged, Overweight, mustached Duncan Donut® maker? Let me set a rather shoddy stage for you. It’s dark. The alarm clock goes off. This same man turns on the light, sits up in bed and turns off the alarm and utters, “Time to make the donuts.” Almost in futility though; like words that are uttered during a sigh. Or like words spoken after hearing bad news. The Spanish language has a word and it’s my favorite word in their language that sums up the whole statement “Ugh. Time to make the donuts.” It’s ¡Ultraves!. I believe the literal translation is “Again?!?!” To get the right effect, this is can only be spoken by someone who really knows Spanish. It has to be spoken in a pseudo whine, with an upturn in tone.
“Hey, Colon.” (My name in Spanish. Kinda explains a lot doesn’t it?) ”I need you to go re-clean the toilets.” Colon spews, “¿¡Ultraves!?” (Colon Spews? That’s funny!)
I was just wondering, as I so often do, what other vocation has this same pointless and hopeless outlook that starts at the beginning of every day. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk into the office each morning, trotting to my own tune no one else can hear, looking into each cubicle like Mr. Rogers, saying “Good mornin Neighbor. Are you havin a good day? I knew you would!” I just want to know who else says, “Time to make the donuts.” either figuratively or in the case of the proctologist, literally.
I know who it’s not. It’s not the vendor I talked to today about work stuff. I asked him, since I didn’t recognize his number, where he was calling me from. He said Seattle. Over the holidays he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. They decided to “set-up shop” in Seattle. Fresh start, in a good way. They weren’t running from the law. He didn’t loathe sunshine in Santa Barbara. The two of them just thought, “while we can have a fresh start, let’s do it in Seattle”. I told him congratulations on the engagement, and he was taken aback. He paused for a second and said, “Well thank you. You know, out of all of the people that I’ve talked to today, you’re the only one who’s said that.” I told him that was shocking and his response was, “Manners is something that is oft times forgotten this day and age.” My friend and vendor is not a “Time to make the Donuts” kinda guy. My friend is a “Glass half full, grab the donuts by the horns” kinda guy. Congratulations Tomas! To you and your fiancé!
;-)
“Hey, Colon.” (My name in Spanish. Kinda explains a lot doesn’t it?) ”I need you to go re-clean the toilets.” Colon spews, “¿¡Ultraves!?” (Colon Spews? That’s funny!)
I was just wondering, as I so often do, what other vocation has this same pointless and hopeless outlook that starts at the beginning of every day. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk into the office each morning, trotting to my own tune no one else can hear, looking into each cubicle like Mr. Rogers, saying “Good mornin Neighbor. Are you havin a good day? I knew you would!” I just want to know who else says, “Time to make the donuts.” either figuratively or in the case of the proctologist, literally.
I know who it’s not. It’s not the vendor I talked to today about work stuff. I asked him, since I didn’t recognize his number, where he was calling me from. He said Seattle. Over the holidays he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. They decided to “set-up shop” in Seattle. Fresh start, in a good way. They weren’t running from the law. He didn’t loathe sunshine in Santa Barbara. The two of them just thought, “while we can have a fresh start, let’s do it in Seattle”. I told him congratulations on the engagement, and he was taken aback. He paused for a second and said, “Well thank you. You know, out of all of the people that I’ve talked to today, you’re the only one who’s said that.” I told him that was shocking and his response was, “Manners is something that is oft times forgotten this day and age.” My friend and vendor is not a “Time to make the Donuts” kinda guy. My friend is a “Glass half full, grab the donuts by the horns” kinda guy. Congratulations Tomas! To you and your fiancé!
;-)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Cauliflower Ice Cubes
You ever have to poop so bad you could actually taste peanuts? You know the kind. The kind where you actually hallucinate about creamed corn? Yeah, me neither. Not anymore anyway. You know what else? Pooping in an airport is gross. You know what else is gross? Sitting on a warm airport toilet seat or any warm toilet seat for that matter. That and having a stall door that won't close or having a guy peek thru the opening of the door that won't close and say "anybody in there?" I felt like a U.S. Senator. What on earth did I eat you ask? You'd think it was a hot chocolate made up of Ex Lax chocolates. Or like I drank a tonic made entirely of Bean juice with Cauliflower Ice Cubes. This is the first time I've ever had dry heaves down there.
Something else and completely not related: I'm almost ok with the back of my bald head looking like a package of ball park franks when I look up. I'm almost ok with having to keep "Fat Pants" after long trips when I've been less than good with my eating. Almost; but I'm not.
Here's 3 or 4 phrases that made me giggle today during my staff meeting.
1. "He didn't want to burn Political Capital."
2. "It's really just about entrainment and mortality."
3. "There could have been 11 fishkills."
4. My "friend's" boss is from India, each time he says "Vessel" he exchanges the "V" with a "W".
"How many Wessels do they need to inspect?" (My three year old has the same issue).
"Vee are going to eat at Vataburger because it is so wery inexpensive." It's kinda like having Bela Lugosi run your staff meeting, "I vant to Drink you Bluhd!", so says my friend.
I was reading Envireauxmental Law Posts today because of work. Here are six things that made me laugh.
1. Pasteurized Milk Ordinance-an EPA proposed rule exempting Milk from spill regulations.
2. Alaska Plans to Sue Agencies Over Decision To List Cook Inlet Beluga Whale Under Act- Quote from an activist, Brendan Cummings, oceans program director for the Center for Biological Diversity, said in a Jan. 14 news release. “Governor Palin must be suffering from an Ahab complex; she has an irrational obsession with driving the white whale extinct.”
3. Environmental Groups Sue EPA Over Rule Exempting Farms From Emissions Reporting- The coalition which includes the Sierra Club stated that farms, “generate a massive amount of urine and feces” and “This waste is known to release high levels of toxic pollutants into the air such as ammonia and hydrogen sulfide,” Bubba Shane Boudreaux could not be immediately reached for comment, but did say in an earlier press release that the suit was, “BS.”
4. Gypsum Waste at TVA Power Plant In Alabama Spills Into Nearby Creek-This is the definition of irony. “Most of the material, which is generated from an air pollution control device at the coal-powered electric plant”
5. EPA Releases high-efficiency flushing Criteria for Urinals-Enough said. I really don’t need to add a quote here do I? Here’s a fake one, EPA tells Turlet manufacturer, “Urine big trouble now mister!”
6. Arkansas Register (Woo Pig!)- November 4, 2008 Rule Adoption-Arkansas Pest Control Law, “Splatter Batter Matters.” (made that last part up.)
Friday night was my daughters Homecoming game. I listened to part of it on the radio. The announcers name was, and I'm not kidding, TurtleDog Leiberman. Isn't that just a touch of precious?Can't you just see ole TurtleDog at a cocktail party and when one of the snooty guests asks, "So Is TurtleDog your Christian name?" His reply might be, "No ma'am. TurtleDog is my nickname. GatorPuss is what's on muh Birthin' Record.";)
Something else and completely not related: I'm almost ok with the back of my bald head looking like a package of ball park franks when I look up. I'm almost ok with having to keep "Fat Pants" after long trips when I've been less than good with my eating. Almost; but I'm not.
Here's 3 or 4 phrases that made me giggle today during my staff meeting.
1. "He didn't want to burn Political Capital."
2. "It's really just about entrainment and mortality."
3. "There could have been 11 fishkills."
4. My "friend's" boss is from India, each time he says "Vessel" he exchanges the "V" with a "W".
"How many Wessels do they need to inspect?" (My three year old has the same issue).
"Vee are going to eat at Vataburger because it is so wery inexpensive." It's kinda like having Bela Lugosi run your staff meeting, "I vant to Drink you Bluhd!", so says my friend.
I was reading Envireauxmental Law Posts today because of work. Here are six things that made me laugh.
1. Pasteurized Milk Ordinance-an EPA proposed rule exempting Milk from spill regulations.
2. Alaska Plans to Sue Agencies Over Decision To List Cook Inlet Beluga Whale Under Act- Quote from an activist, Brendan Cummings, oceans program director for the Center for Biological Diversity, said in a Jan. 14 news release. “Governor Palin must be suffering from an Ahab complex; she has an irrational obsession with driving the white whale extinct.”
3. Environmental Groups Sue EPA Over Rule Exempting Farms From Emissions Reporting- The coalition which includes the Sierra Club stated that farms, “generate a massive amount of urine and feces” and “This waste is known to release high levels of toxic pollutants into the air such as ammonia and hydrogen sulfide,” Bubba Shane Boudreaux could not be immediately reached for comment, but did say in an earlier press release that the suit was, “BS.”
4. Gypsum Waste at TVA Power Plant In Alabama Spills Into Nearby Creek-This is the definition of irony. “Most of the material, which is generated from an air pollution control device at the coal-powered electric plant”
5. EPA Releases high-efficiency flushing Criteria for Urinals-Enough said. I really don’t need to add a quote here do I? Here’s a fake one, EPA tells Turlet manufacturer, “Urine big trouble now mister!”
6. Arkansas Register (Woo Pig!)- November 4, 2008 Rule Adoption-Arkansas Pest Control Law, “Splatter Batter Matters.” (made that last part up.)
Friday night was my daughters Homecoming game. I listened to part of it on the radio. The announcers name was, and I'm not kidding, TurtleDog Leiberman. Isn't that just a touch of precious?Can't you just see ole TurtleDog at a cocktail party and when one of the snooty guests asks, "So Is TurtleDog your Christian name?" His reply might be, "No ma'am. TurtleDog is my nickname. GatorPuss is what's on muh Birthin' Record.";)
Friday, January 2, 2009
Spit Bean Sock Coffee
I had to clean out my cell phone's memory today. I had 58 pictures of the inside of my pocket.
I don't remember in recent memory when, I sooooo did not want to be at work. Each little task I look at I say, "Oh I can do that on Monday". I'm never like that. I miss my wife and kids. I would rather be at home with them than in this scantily occupied office.
I saw something that took me down a humorous path.
Do you want to hear about it? Of course you do!
I get a "Word a Day" everyday in email, and today's made me think about writing a little bit.
It's a word that comes from the British and Dutch Navies.
It's keelhaul. I'm sure you already know the evolution of the word, but just in case you don't, I've attached it.
Keelhaul PRONUNCIATION: (KEEL-hawl) MEANING: verb tr.: 1. To haul under the keel of a ship. 2. To rebuke sharply.
ETYMOLOGY: From Dutch kielhalen, from kiel (keel) + halen (to haul). In the olden times this form of punishment was inflicted in the Dutch and British navies. The punished sailor was tied to a rope looped under the ship and thrown in the water. Then he was dragged along the bottom of the ship to the other side. The result was either severe injuries from brushing against the barnacles on the ship's bottom or death from drowning.
I get a "Word a Day" everyday in email, and today's made me think about writing a little bit.
It's a word that comes from the British and Dutch Navies.
It's keelhaul. I'm sure you already know the evolution of the word, but just in case you don't, I've attached it.
Keelhaul PRONUNCIATION: (KEEL-hawl) MEANING: verb tr.: 1. To haul under the keel of a ship. 2. To rebuke sharply.
ETYMOLOGY: From Dutch kielhalen, from kiel (keel) + halen (to haul). In the olden times this form of punishment was inflicted in the Dutch and British navies. The punished sailor was tied to a rope looped under the ship and thrown in the water. Then he was dragged along the bottom of the ship to the other side. The result was either severe injuries from brushing against the barnacles on the ship's bottom or death from drowning.
What on earth did you get accused of in order to be "keelhauled"? Can you imagine this conversation? "Hey Magtelt (Actual Dutch name) did you leave your socks unfolded in front of your footlocker?" Magtelt answers, "Aye Captain." The captain leans over to his first mate Jaapie-Pieters (Actual Dutch first name, like Bob, but pronounced "Asian Crank") and says, "Jaapie-Pieters, get the rope. We're going to clean the bottom of our boat with Magtelt's back for the sock thing."
I have several friends and family that have served our country in the armed forces and many have told me about some of the sob stories offered up by some of their weaker comrades. Like once I remember a friend telling me about a fellow Army guy he was enlisted with, complaining that the drill sergeant was "really verbally abusive to him". Things have changed just a tad I would say. But to be really honest, I'm really no better than that weak army private. I get upset when the Star Bucks© coffee I've ordered doesn't have enough cream in it. I think my parents had to chew raw coffee beans, spit the chewed remains in an old sock, and pour hot dirty water over it to get their coffee. They didn't put cream in coffee. They liked it black, like they liked their teeth. If I were to ask some of the previous generations for some cream with my coffee, they would probably ask if I were European, and more precisely French. I can hear my father Adolph say, "What? Do you want me to drink and pee it for you too? Nancy Boy!" You know what just dawned on me? These people (My Grandparents era) are the same ones that circumcised their kids with two really sharp rocks. That will make you tough. What am I going to tell my kids about how I had it so rough? "You know kids, back in the day, we had to use a phone called a Nokia. We didn't have all the fancy gadgets and what not you young whippersnappers have with your Thought transmitters, and your Telekinesis Radios. We had dropped calls, but you know what? We learned to live with it, Dad Gummit!"
The other day my daughter 14 (not Dutch) said and I quote sarcastically so it's probably not accurate, (you should hold your nose to get the real effect.) "Uhm, I like need a new phone and stuff. Because it's like, if I want to take a picture and stuff, there's like these little blue streaks that are like so annoying. Can you guys like get me a newer, cooler phone? A Blackberry would be like real nice."
Totally.
Her phone probably does need looking into though. It has a few cosmetic issues with it. It a Sony Walkman phone with a cyper-shot camera in it. You can listen to XM on it; MP3's and get email, as well as get on the internet. However, the Blue streaks would be annoying. That is a slight upgrade from I or my wife had when we were 14. When we wanted to "talk" to our friends who were a long way off, we just yelled louder. My daughter will text someone sitting next to her. I've seen it. Her incredibly fast thumbs looking like they have some form of Turrets after an intravenous coke injection. When my wife and I would want another of our parents piping hot "Spit Bean Sock Coffee", we didn't complain that the caffeine contents were too low. We forced it down and went on our merry way. My daughter wants a certain kind of energy drink to give her that special boost in the morning. I think it's called "Liquid Meth".
I just don't know what we're going to do with this next generation of kids. They just have it too easy. (Over time, how many times do you think this has been said?)
Do you think they say that in Ethiopia or in India? "You know, (Insert accent from Apu from the Simpson's©) back in my day we used to have to deal with a lot more flies flying around our mouths than you young ones do now. You've got it too easy! Our stomachs were not as bloated and disgusting as yours are now either, and I'll tell you why. Your aunt Sami, before she was reincarnated into that spotted cow over there, used to say, 'Ganeesha help me! I cannot believe you ate that whole bowl of dirt. You did not save any for me?' She died; but the moral of my story children is, 1. Quit complaining. 2. If you don't want a disgusting, bloated stomach, eat the bowl of dirt. Rice is for Rich people. Finally 3. Take your hand and wave it softly in front of your face to shoo the flies away. Never slap them as it may be a relative who's had a much harder time of it than you". ;)
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