If ashtrays could fart

On my flight tonight I saw the cutest old lady. In fact, she sat down next to me. She was about 4’10” and frail looking. When I asked her how she was doing, she replied in a voice that sounded like she had gargled with hot boiling oil since the Carter administration that she was “Mighty Fine”. She told me in that same gravelly voice that she was going back to her farm in Nebraska after visiting her daughter in Colorado. I noticed when she got on the plane, and I’m not making this up, her carry on was a case of Marlboro reds. 12 cartons. That did explain how her breath smelled like, well like if an ashtray had a nasty butthole. Like if ashtrays could fart. She was sweet though, bless her heart.

 I also saw 8 cross-eyed people and 3 cleft palates get on this plane to Omaha. Had to mention that. Seemed odd to me. Like I was on some kind of Americans for disability act (ADA) flight.

Edible asparagus

Ingredients: 

1 bundle of raw organic asparagus 

1/2 stick of organic salted butter. 

1/2 cup of organic Garlic Italian dressing. 

1 lb package of organic peppered bacon

2 pinches of garlic salt

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 

2. Cut two inches off the bottom of each stalk of asparagus. 

3. Gather 5 stalks, making sure the tops are even. 

4. Start at the top of each bundle and wrap the pepper bacon diagonally down toward the bottom of the stalk. 

5. Place on a non greased cookie sheet. 

6. Before placing in oven, brush on the butter. 

7 . Then brush on the Italian dressing. 

8. Bake for 22 minutes. 

9. At 11 minutes, apply garlic salt. 

10. Enjoy

Cup of Soup

Ingredients:

1 cup of Lentils 

1 cup of black beans

1 cup of pinto beans 

1 cup of lean pork sausage 

1 cup of lean hamburger meat 

2 Tablespoons of minced garlic

2 Tablespoons of minced onions 

1 tablespoon of salt 

1 tablespoon of paper

1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper

Note: This recipe seems to work a little better if you soak the pinto beans an hour previous to starting. 

After thoroughly washing the beans, put them a 4 quart pot. Add two inches of water above the level of beans. 

Bring to a boil then lower to a simmer. 

Add onions, garlic, salt and peppers. 

Brown the beef, and pork in a saucepan but do not season. 

Add the browned meat to the simmering beans. 

After beans have simmered for an hour, taste broth of beans to check seasoning, 

Allow beans to simmer for approximately 2 hours and check the pintos. The lentils and Blackbeans should be cooked. The pintos usually need a bit more time. 

If the pinto bean easily squashes under you finger, you are done.