Time to make the Donuts

You remember that commercial right? The one with the Middle Aged, Overweight, mustached Duncan Donut® maker? Let me set a rather shoddy stage for you. It’s dark. The alarm clock goes off. This same man turns on the light, sits up in bed and turns off the alarm and utters, “Time to make the donuts.” Almost in futility though; like words that are uttered during a sigh. Or like words spoken after hearing bad news. The Spanish language has a word and it’s my favorite word in their language that sums up the whole statement “Ugh. Time to make the donuts.” It’s ¡Ultraves!. I believe the literal translation is “Again?!?!” To get the right effect, this is can only be spoken by someone who really knows Spanish. It has to be spoken in a pseudo whine, with an upturn in tone.
“Hey, Colon.” (My name in Spanish. Kinda explains a lot doesn’t it?) ”I need you to go re-clean the toilets.” Colon spews, “¿¡Ultraves!?” (Colon Spews? That’s funny!)
I was just wondering, as I so often do, what other vocation has this same pointless and hopeless outlook that starts at the beginning of every day. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk into the office each morning, trotting to my own tune no one else can hear, looking into each cubicle like Mr. Rogers, saying “Good mornin Neighbor. Are you havin a good day? I knew you would!” I just want to know who else says, “Time to make the donuts.” either figuratively or in the case of the proctologist, literally.

I know who it’s not. It’s not the vendor I talked to today about work stuff. I asked him, since I didn’t recognize his number, where he was calling me from. He said Seattle. Over the holidays he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. They decided to “set-up shop” in Seattle. Fresh start, in a good way. They weren’t running from the law. He didn’t loathe sunshine in Santa Barbara. The two of them just thought, “while we can have a fresh start, let’s do it in Seattle”. I told him congratulations on the engagement, and he was taken aback. He paused for a second and said, “Well thank you. You know, out of all of the people that I’ve talked to today, you’re the only one who’s said that.” I told him that was shocking and his response was, “Manners is something that is oft times forgotten this day and age.” My friend and vendor is not a “Time to make the Donuts” kinda guy. My friend is a “Glass half full, grab the donuts by the horns” kinda guy. Congratulations Tomas! To you and your fiancé!
;-)

Cauliflower Ice Cubes

You ever have to poop so bad you could actually taste peanuts? You know the kind. The kind where you actually hallucinate about creamed corn? Yeah, me neither. Not anymore anyway. You know what else? Pooping in an airport is gross. You know what else is gross? Sitting on a warm airport toilet seat or any warm toilet seat for that matter. That and having a stall door that won't close or having a guy peek thru the opening of the door that won't close and say "anybody in there?" I felt like a U.S. Senator. What on earth did I eat you ask? You'd think it was a hot chocolate made up of Ex Lax chocolates. Or like I drank a tonic made entirely of Bean juice with Cauliflower Ice Cubes. This is the first time I've ever had dry heaves down there.


Something else and completely not related: I'm almost ok with the back of my bald head looking like a package of ball park franks when I look up. I'm almost ok with having to keep "Fat Pants" after long trips when I've been less than good with my eating. Almost; but I'm not.

Here's 3 or 4 phrases that made me giggle today during my staff meeting.
1. "He didn't want to burn Political Capital."
2. "It's really just about entrainment and mortality."
3. "There could have been 11 fishkills."
4. My "friend's" boss is from India, each time he says "Vessel" he exchanges the "V" with a "W".
"How many Wessels do they need to inspect?" (My three year old has the same issue).
"Vee are going to eat at Vataburger because it is so wery inexpensive." It's kinda like having Bela Lugosi run your staff meeting, "I vant to Drink you Bluhd!", so says my friend.

I was reading Envireauxmental Law Posts today because of work. Here are six things that made me laugh.
1. Pasteurized Milk Ordinance-an EPA proposed rule exempting Milk from spill regulations.
2. Alaska Plans to Sue Agencies Over Decision To List Cook Inlet Beluga Whale Under Act- Quote from an activist, Brendan Cummings, oceans program director for the Center for Biological Diversity, said in a Jan. 14 news release. “Governor Palin must be suffering from an Ahab complex; she has an irrational obsession with driving the white whale extinct.”
3. Environmental Groups Sue EPA Over Rule Exempting Farms From Emissions Reporting- The coalition which includes the Sierra Club stated that farms, “generate a massive amount of urine and feces” and “This waste is known to release high levels of toxic pollutants into the air such as ammonia and hydrogen sulfide,” Bubba Shane Boudreaux could not be immediately reached for comment, but did say in an earlier press release that the suit was, “BS.”
4. Gypsum Waste at TVA Power Plant In Alabama Spills Into Nearby Creek-This is the definition of irony. “Most of the material, which is generated from an air pollution control device at the coal-powered electric plant”
5. EPA Releases high-efficiency flushing Criteria for Urinals-Enough said. I really don’t need to add a quote here do I? Here’s a fake one, EPA tells Turlet manufacturer, “Urine big trouble now mister!”
6. Arkansas Register (Woo Pig!)- November 4, 2008 Rule Adoption-Arkansas Pest Control Law, “Splatter Batter Matters.” (made that last part up.)

Friday night was my daughters Homecoming game. I listened to part of it on the radio. The announcers name was, and I'm not kidding, TurtleDog Leiberman. Isn't that just a touch of precious?Can't you just see ole TurtleDog at a cocktail party and when one of the snooty guests asks, "So Is TurtleDog your Christian name?" His reply might be, "No ma'am. TurtleDog is my nickname. GatorPuss is what's on muh Birthin' Record.";)

Spit Bean Sock Coffee

I had to clean out my cell phone's memory today. I had 58 pictures of the inside of my pocket.

I don't remember in recent memory when, I sooooo did not want to be at work. Each little task I look at I say, "Oh I can do that on Monday". I'm never like that. I miss my wife and kids. I would rather be at home with them than in this scantily occupied office.

I saw something that took me down a humorous path.

Do you want to hear about it? Of course you do!
I get a "Word a Day" everyday in email, and today's made me think about writing a little bit.
It's a word that comes from the British and Dutch Navies.
It's keelhaul. I'm sure you already know the evolution of the word, but just in case you don't, I've attached it.
Keelhaul PRONUNCIATION: (KEEL-hawl) MEANING: verb tr.: 1. To haul under the keel of a ship. 2. To rebuke sharply.
ETYMOLOGY: From Dutch kielhalen, from kiel (keel) + halen (to haul). In the olden times this form of punishment was inflicted in the Dutch and British navies. The punished sailor was tied to a rope looped under the ship and thrown in the water. Then he was dragged along the bottom of the ship to the other side. The result was either severe injuries from brushing against the barnacles on the ship's bottom or death from drowning.

What on earth did you get accused of in order to be "keelhauled"? Can you imagine this conversation? "Hey Magtelt (Actual Dutch name) did you leave your socks unfolded in front of your footlocker?" Magtelt answers, "Aye Captain." The captain leans over to his first mate Jaapie-Pieters (Actual Dutch first name, like Bob, but pronounced "Asian Crank") and says, "Jaapie-Pieters, get the rope. We're going to clean the bottom of our boat with Magtelt's back for the sock thing."
I have several friends and family that have served our country in the armed forces and many have told me about some of the sob stories offered up by some of their weaker comrades. Like once I remember a friend telling me about a fellow Army guy he was enlisted with, complaining that the drill sergeant was "really verbally abusive to him". Things have changed just a tad I would say. But to be really honest, I'm really no better than that weak army private. I get upset when the Star Bucks© coffee I've ordered doesn't have enough cream in it. I think my parents had to chew raw coffee beans, spit the chewed remains in an old sock, and pour hot dirty water over it to get their coffee. They didn't put cream in coffee. They liked it black, like they liked their teeth. If I were to ask some of the previous generations for some cream with my coffee, they would probably ask if I were European, and more precisely French. I can hear my father Adolph say, "What? Do you want me to drink and pee it for you too? Nancy Boy!" You know what just dawned on me? These people (My Grandparents era) are the same ones that circumcised their kids with two really sharp rocks. That will make you tough. What am I going to tell my kids about how I had it so rough? "You know kids, back in the day, we had to use a phone called a Nokia. We didn't have all the fancy gadgets and what not you young whippersnappers have with your Thought transmitters, and your Telekinesis Radios. We had dropped calls, but you know what? We learned to live with it, Dad Gummit!"
The other day my daughter 14 (not Dutch) said and I quote sarcastically so it's probably not accurate, (you should hold your nose to get the real effect.) "Uhm, I like need a new phone and stuff. Because it's like, if I want to take a picture and stuff, there's like these little blue streaks that are like so annoying. Can you guys like get me a newer, cooler phone? A Blackberry would be like real nice."
Totally.
Her phone probably does need looking into though. It has a few cosmetic issues with it. It a Sony Walkman phone with a cyper-shot camera in it. You can listen to XM on it; MP3's and get email, as well as get on the internet. However, the Blue streaks would be annoying. That is a slight upgrade from I or my wife had when we were 14. When we wanted to "talk" to our friends who were a long way off, we just yelled louder. My daughter will text someone sitting next to her. I've seen it. Her incredibly fast thumbs looking like they have some form of Turrets after an intravenous coke injection. When my wife and I would want another of our parents piping hot "Spit Bean Sock Coffee", we didn't complain that the caffeine contents were too low. We forced it down and went on our merry way. My daughter wants a certain kind of energy drink to give her that special boost in the morning. I think it's called "Liquid Meth".
I just don't know what we're going to do with this next generation of kids. They just have it too easy. (Over time, how many times do you think this has been said?)
Do you think they say that in Ethiopia or in India? "You know, (Insert accent from Apu from the Simpson's©) back in my day we used to have to deal with a lot more flies flying around our mouths than you young ones do now. You've got it too easy! Our stomachs were not as bloated and disgusting as yours are now either, and I'll tell you why. Your aunt Sami, before she was reincarnated into that spotted cow over there, used to say, 'Ganeesha help me! I cannot believe you ate that whole bowl of dirt. You did not save any for me?' She died; but the moral of my story children is, 1. Quit complaining. 2. If you don't want a disgusting, bloated stomach, eat the bowl of dirt. Rice is for Rich people. Finally 3. Take your hand and wave it softly in front of your face to shoo the flies away. Never slap them as it may be a relative who's had a much harder time of it than you". ;)