Why is it that America (Land of the Free and Home of the Brave) is hell bent on rebuilding Iraq when we still haven’t rebuilt New Orleans? Why are we are so dedicated if not obsessed with removing hostiles from Afghanistan when we still haven’t removed hostiles from South Philly, Oakland, South Central L.A. or the 5th Ward in Houston? How is it that the new health care bill is over 2000 pages and our Declaration of Independence is only one?
Why is it ok for a man on television to say, “I have High blood pressure; and that has caused my erectile dysfunction. Thanks to Levitra, I can have wood that’s harder than Mahogany.” You don’t hear about woman’s problems the same.
“I hate Harold. But now thanks to Mornindewya I can get my groove on like Stella. I’m wetter than a cow peeing on a flat rock!” she whispers.

Been a while since I’ve last written, and I wanted to catch up just a bit. Since my last blog I’ve been in Nevada, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota, and South Dakota. I’ve read three books and have written little other than emails. I finished the twilight series, (I heart them!) and am now reading a book entitled, “Lies my Teacher Told Me”. My wife suggested this “feel good book”, in which it details how European white trash killed all the brown people on the planet. I was sitting next to a black guy on the way to South Dakota, and nearly apologized in tears about Christopher Columbus. Turns out he was not the Trend setting explorer I thought he was. He was a genocidal pedophile. It is interesting reading, but about as up lifting as a doctor telling you have six months to live. Turns out the Irish are responsible for putting crack in the poorer neighborhoods in America, and I may have had an indirect hand at starting this latest swine flu pandemic.

It’s amazing how much Camo is on this flight. Kinda looks like a Nicaraguan Freedom Fighter Team Building event. I would be concerned if I weren’t flying to San Antonio. If I were flying to Honduras or Kuwait, I’d be a little more nervous I think. There is a hunter in line for a ticket that has a Fannie pack on with antlers hanging out of it. I can’t bring cologne on board but Bubba can bring on the sharpened horns of an animal as a carryon?! How does he not have to put those in checked luggage with his deer urine and Scent blocker shampoo?!

I took the kids (3 girls) to Carlos De Queso’s this last weekend. Chuck E. Cheese for you honkies. Anyway, all three did pretty well on accruing tickets, so at the end of the night I sent the three girls to go cash in so we could go. They came back to the table with a bunch of junk that would have ordinarily been a 3rd or 4th place prize if 2nd or 3rd place were getting an enema with a high powered sling shot. Everybody was happy but my 15 year had a puzzled look on her face. Once we got outside I asked, “Hey is anything wrong? You’ve got a constipated look on your face.” She rolled her eyes and said, “No. I’m not constipated, but I am confused.” I said, “About what?” Then what followed in a diatribe littered with “Like” and strewn with “and, Um” was my daughter telling me that this girl thought that it would be kewl if she told my daughters that she was gay and that she has a fiancé in California. Now, while I am all for gay marriage, I’m pretty sure I’m against having the Chuck E. Cheese toy attendant, who’s a minor by the way, tell my little girls about her sexual preference while she’s handing them toy insects and Sponge Bob Stickers!
Maybe I’m really old and a dinosaur, but why is it now en vogue to have relations with your own sex? More importantly, why is it en vogue to tell everyone you are having gay relations? I’m a dinosaur because I understand the physics of “Innies and Outies”? I wanted to go tell the little attendant that I have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife and then just sit back and watch her gag. (I would definitely take this the wrong way.) I’m a fuddy-duddy for being straight? Nope. I’m a fuddy-duddy for using the term fuddy-duddy. Have a great week.