Bucket of Rocksalt

A few weeks ago, minutes after my Wife told me to slow down a little bit, I got pulled over by a Wilson county deputy. My wife looked at me with bewilderment and said, you guessed it, "I told you to slow down.". In the interest of time (kind of ironic now) I didn't want to be late for a flight to California.
That's what landed me in defensive driving today and to be honest is the perfect ending point for this week.
Despite all of the crappy events of the week, I've found a few little things that made me giggle and that I thought you might find funny as well.

1. This week while in Houston there were two ladies outside a bathroom at a refinery I was at. Both were leaning up against the wall in between the men’s and women’s bathrooms taking account of all who entered each room, while talking of budgets or cost reductions. I was in a hurry after eating the curry cayenne sprinkled doughnuts so I paid them little attention when entering as I literally had a much more pressing issue at hand. Upon leaving the restroom, one of ladies paused in her conversation, looked at me, then glanced down at her watch, as if to say, "Ten minutes in the bathroom. He pooped." or "3 minutes in; she peed." or "she's going in with her purse, she’s on her period” or “he is going in with his purse, he’s gay.”

2. My Defensive Driving Teacher is shaped like a dodge ball. He looks like a globe with two carrots shoved in the bottom of it. He’s a nice enough guy but he did say a couple of funny and strange things. One of the questions he asked the room of 30 was, “Is the Railroad track a safe place for pedestrians to walk?” Nobody said anything. I think most were shocked by the silliness of the question, but there were a few in the class that I could tell were pondering it. Redneck in the back row (not me) raises his hand.

AppleBodied Teacher: “Yes sir?”
Redneck: “My foot doctor has a Mercedes.”
AppleBodied Teacher: “What?! Oh. No sir. I said pedestrian, not podiatrist.”
Redneck: “Oooohhhh. Then no. But it is safe for the trains.”

Another statement made by the AppleBodied Teacher was “Brown is the color of fun. Signs, I mean.” This is also something I didn’t know.
We were talked down to so much, that by the end of the six hours, that I will never get back, you actually felt drained. I can only think of one other time when I felt this dumb. I was asked, “Hey what time is it?”. I had the Milk Carton in my right and a rather full glass of milk in my left hand and absentmindedly looked at the watch on my left wrist. This caused the milk to leave the glass and go a little in my belly button, but mostly all over my genitals.

3. You ever get dressed and go somewhere only to realize much much too late that a piece of what you are wearing smells less fresh than it should? I’m not talking about that ball cap you own that smells like a port o potty in a public park, or the “draws” you decided to flip over inside out and “recycle”. I’m talking about an undershirt or shirt or maybe you thought that these were the “clean pants”. No? Me neither.
But something I did notice today, as well as the sweet lady named Nikole (Her spelling) and the gentleman named Juan sitting to my left may have as well, was the fact that I have never washed these particular tennis shoes. Because the class was so boring, I found myself shifting my feet trying I guess to make the uncomfortable chairs more comfortable. Periodically throughout the day I catch a whiff of what smelled most like garbage whose contents where made up of ancient Mold and the Baby diapers my mother changed off me. I subtly looked around my fellow students judging them saying in my head, “he must not bathe.” Or “She must have a Moldy Baby.” Around lunch time it dawned on me that it was me. I crossed my legs with my foot on my lap and a smell that would gag a maggot reached my senses while I was chewing on some pizza. I bet the lady Nikole thought that I had that disease Restless Leg Syndrome, because while almost choking on my pizza, I kick my leg straight really fast so she won’t look at me like I have the other disease “Moldy Diarhea”. I smile and keep my disgusting feet away from her, Juan and I. I put them under the chair of a fat red headed woman who asked too many questions and made this horrible class longer.
I close with the words of the redneck in this class, that I will never forget as Long as I live. “I’d rather paper cut my taint to hell, and pop a squat on a 5 gallon buck of Rock salt than be here in this sumbitch.” Amen. Pass the Tylenol.
;)