ProBiotic

I took two pills this morning. One was the aforementioned Probiotic (sounds positive doesn't it? It's not!), and the other was something call Candistroy (sounds violent doesn't it? Believe me it is!).
Why, you ask, would I take such medications? It is because my wife believes, and I hate to say this, I agree with her, that I have some sort of unhealthy bacteria in my body. As it turns out Diarrhea, Burping longer than 50 seconds, and being able to fart the alphabet are some of the classic symptoms that you may have a medical condition. Who knew? Turns out I'm not fat at all; I'm just full of "hot Air", and diarrhea. Here's something else I did not know, Pro-biotic is not as nearly as positive as it sounds. If you go back to its latin roots, "Pro-biotic" actually stands for "Oh dear God, I'm about to explode!" I've already scratched out the name on the bottle and have written in its stead, "Pro-Die-otic", because it smells like low tide in my cubicle. The "Can-distroy" I think is referencing the friendships that the medicine can wreak havoc with. A few minutes ago, I had to pee really bad because the meds also make you have to go to the bathroom like a pregnant lady in her fourth Tri-mester. I barely make it. While at the urinal, I decide to try to let go of the pressure that's making my eyes bulge, when about a nano-second before I push, I notice a pair of really nice dress shoes in the stall next to the urinal……but it was too late. I had already prepped my body for the discharge of my colonic emissions. I had to let it go. My body was not going to let me hold it anymore. I convulsed a little on the inside while my urine stream was going everywhere on and around and in the urinal, and that's when it happened.
I've lived, and I mean really lived, 39 years. I've eaten badly, and I mean really badly, but I was not prepared for what happened this day, November 17th, 2008. I let out a fart, actually, the term "fart" is too harsh. I'd call this a poot or maybe even "Wind Breakage". Not a "fart" though. It sounded like a wounded animal giving up its last breath. Kinda like when you're making that funny sound with a balloon, only the balloon is the size of a trailer house. Have you ever seen a horse when a fly lands on him and his skins shakes to get it off? That's what my stomach was doing as well.
The guy in the stall started to shift his feet nervously after 5 seconds into the poot. At the 10 second mark he started really moving his feet, like he was trying to get away from something even though he was still sitting on the toilet. When it ended on the 12th or 13th second on kind of an upbeat, (Imagine this sound. "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!")I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. In all my years I've never achieved anything like that. I'm 39, and I don't care who you are, a 13 second poot will make you laugh out loud. I composed myself, and I could hear not one but two people laughing in the two stalls. They couldn't help it either. I tucked my shirt in,(noticing of course, that my pants "miraculously " fit better) zipped my pants, and nearly ran out of the bathroom. I got to the break room to make me some tea (acting like I'd been there for 10 minutes) when out of the bathroom, two lawyers walk out laughing and telling each other that "That guy should go see a doctor!" "Yeah, I know."
I laughed a little too, which caused me to poot again in the break room.
:0)