Rape Delay

This performance was not filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Once again, my flight is delayed. This time I'm in Sunny St Louis Mo.
I've heard the terms "Scheduling Conflict" and "In bound traffic issues in Philadelphia".
Either way I'm here for three more hours than I booked.
I was noticing, as I often do the attitudes of the people that are delayed with me.
Most have given over to the reserved, but negative attitude that accompanies being delayed in an airport. I've got 5 bars on my cell phone, but I don't feel like talking to anyone. I've got a brand new Technicolor fish wrap (USA Today), and I don't want to read it. Phones ringing; hold on. It's my wife. She says "Hi!". Now Rick's calling.
He requested that my wife and I pray for his wife Sue as she's going in for hip surgery on the 7th. .
I turned my phone off.
When I'm awake I never have time to think or write for myself, unless I'm delayed in an airport. Then it's too much. I have had the most difficult time dealing with the "loss" of my son. I felt like he died when he left to go live with his mother. If you know her, please feel free to fill in your own curse word here. (____________!). If you don't know her, here's how you do it; think of the one curse word that even makes you feel dirty or guilty for saying it and put it in the blank I've left for you.
Time elapse.
Now I'm on the plane. I was supposed to leave @ 2:00. Now it's 5:00.
I was stewing in my own juices back there in Missouri. Now I know why my mother called it "Misery".
I've got an effeminate Flight attendant on this flight as well. Had one this morning too.
On the intercom, "How many of you guys are ready to get out of St. Louis? Mmhmm. That's right. Do you feel screwed? Have you been saying 'Get St. Louis out of me? MMmhmm. That's Right."
If I wanted to be with another man, and let me state for the record, I do not, would my voice automatically get higher? Would all my S's be accompanied my a "Th" ?
What makes these guys talk with such a lisp? Secondly, what makes them gravitate to the airline industry like a gay moth to a flame? (This is where the term "Flaming Homosexual" came from). It's nearly become cliché.
You either get "Derrick" (not my flight attendants real name. I've changed the name to protect the innocent.) Anyway, you get "Derrick" (his boyfriend calls him "Big D", who says in a sing song voice, "Welcome aboard Ladies and Man Ladies!" He then looks at me. He can tell I've had a rough day. Bending down as he's so accustomed to doing, he says to me in a frumpy, frowny face tone, "What's a matter Mr. Grumpy Gus? Have you not had your Recommended Daily Allowance of Rainbows and Pixie Dust? You need a Hot Toddy of Happy doncha?"
Or,
You get Gladys from Thunder Dome. "All right Maggots! Tray Tables better be in the Upright position. If their not, I'm going to stick my foot so far up your butt, you won't be able to get in an upright position!"
"737 Seven Hundred. Seat belts over your hips". I wonder if Blinkles ever says to himself while looking in the mirror, "I've seen gay before, but Oh my Gahhhd! (Him pointing at the mirror) you are soooo gay!"
Oh and get this, (not kidding) he's the Head Flight attendant!
Two things have improved my mood since getting on the plane:
1. Blinkles the sexy Stew!
2. What I first thought were Amish people getting on the plane.
I've already explained one in too much detail. The reason two is so funny to me is that the "Amish" got on the plane wearing all black, including a big black round white mans sombrero. Kind of like a black felt Cowboy hat, only rounder.
Let me take you into my head for a sec or two (This is something "Blinkles would say if he were dyslexic). When I first saw "Abraham" and his wife "Sara" (probably their real names) get on board the plane, my mind went from sad to funny in an instant. I had this whole mini-series playing in my head. You know what I mean? Abraham goes to the local shop keep to buy his travel hat and says, "Ezekiel, do you have a hat for the Amish man on the go? I'm about to traverse to the great Northeast in a big metal bird to sell our wares of hand made spit rags and rocking chairs." Ezekiel looks around the little shop perplexed. They're all the same hat. All 43 of them. Black, round, and Amish. Ezekiel thinks to himself "This rubbish dealing, horse feather wielding poppy cocking Mennonite must have been kicked by his horse."
Side bar-I just saw an Asian lady come out of the Bathroom after being in there for like 15 minutes. I guess she had to "Scrape off the ole Pu-Pu platter". She came out with a look on her face like she was trying to hold her breath in a wind tunnel.

Anyway, when I saw the Amish guy's yamika, I realized he wasn't Amish at all; he was a Hasidic Jew. I'm still pretty sure his name was Abraham though.